DREAM BIG

One last goodbye

2011-11-02T20:28:00.005-06:00

As some of you may know, my friend Emily passed away recently. She was the sweetest girl you'd ever meet.

I didn't see it coming. None of us did. She seemed so happy and healthy. Then she was gone. She took her own life, and no one even saw how badly she was hurting.

I wish I did.

Why does God take people away so quickly? You blink your eyes, and suddenly they're gone. It just doesn't seem fair. I feel as if it's a cruel game God loves to play. And even though I know that's not true, a part of me still wonders. Why would he take someone when their life is still just beginning? I mean, she was 23. She never even got a chance to really start her life. She had so much going on for her, such a bright future it was almost blinding. Her life was taken so quickly.. This was not how it was supposed to happen.

I just don't understand.. I know, no one does, blah blah.. I wish we could, though. I feel as if it's like we're in a maze, trying to find our way.. and then something so big happens so quickly, and it's like we're all just plucked up and put somewhere else in the maze, blindfolded and spinning. Left to start all over again. We lose our way. We are left dumbfounded.
I just don't know what to think, what to do. I seem to be feeling just about every emotion there IS, I just don't know what to do with it all.

She died because she killed herself.. So what happens to her? Where does she go?
She was SUCH a good person. Always so kind to EVERYONE, loving, generous, funny.. Really, a great person all around.

So does she just fall through the cracks? After all, suicide is a sin.. right?
I suppose, though, that there are no cracks in God's plan. That would make it less than perfect. God does not make flaws, God does not make mistakes. Yet I'm still left wondering..

"Everyone goes when they are ready". I've heard this said before, many a time... but how can a 23 year old be ready to finish her life? How can someone, anyone, be truly READY to die?

A very intelligent woman told me this once: "We mourn mostly for ourselves, because of the loss we have felt."
I guess that's true. Mostly, at least.
We don't mourn for them so much as we'd like to think, do we?
We know they are in a better place. We know they are going to be okay (or we hope, at least). We just don't want to lose them, I guess. We miss them. We wish they could have had all the greatness and success in life we knew they could have had. We wish we could have seen them mature more & more, change, become a parent perhaps.. experience LIFE.
But truly, this is no longer possible. All we are doing is filling ourselves with the empty hope of what could have been.

I think a lot of it is that we are somewhat forced to face our own mortality. We are left with questions, some that truly only God himself can answer. It makes us feel sad because we know that EVERYONE must leave this earth and go into the unknown.
THAT is scary.

More than anything though... I really just miss her. I want her back. I know it sounds selfish, but really, I just don't care. I just wish I could have at least said goodbye.

Is it so bad to want someone back? Because I do, with all my heart. I miss her so much. I know she is in a better place, but I just want to hold he in my arms and hug her one last time, if only for a moment.

Just one last goodbye.

Emily Elizabeth Roe

2011-10-08T03:31:00.005-06:00

A few weeks ago, I lost a dear friend of mine. Her name was Emily Elizabeth Roe. I miss her so much. She had such a beautiful spirit.. She would walk in the room, and you couldn't help but smile for her.. And now she's gone. She took her own life.

Why would she do that??? I would have been there for her, I would have stayed up all night and talked to her, I would have done ANYTHING for her, had I just known! I feel guilty for not seeing what she was going through, and not being there for her when she needed someone most. I feel sadness for the loss of such a beautiful soul. I feel ANGER for her leaving us like that..
And toward God. He took her from us. She just turned 23. She was too young to die. It wasn't supposed to be her time! It all seems so unreal. How could she just be GONE like that? In one instant, her life was tragically lost. The life of a girl who deserved so much more than that.. The life of a girl who could have changed the world.

I can't pray to God without crying in both sadness and anger. I can say "Dear Heavenly Father.." but that's the furthest I can get without bursting in tears of sadness and anger. My soul feels so empty. I'm working hard to pretend to be who I usually am around others, but I feel like a part of me has died inside. I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up from this knot in my stomach.

I don't know what to do. I'm stuck in the grief that's taken over. I haven't slept in a week, other than a couple of hour-long naps. I've been having trouble eating.. I just don't want food, I don't feel like it. I went to my dietitian yesterday, and she said I lost almost 3 lbs since last Thursday. I was doing so well, but.. I just don't know. I'm stuck.

Emily Elizabeth Roe
June 1988- Sep 2011

"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
May you find solace in the arms of God, Em. You are missed greatly. You were, and will always be, loved. I wish I could have done something to help you see how important you were, not just to me, but to so many people. Rest in peace, sweet girl. Be free.

First (& hopefully last) experience in a bar..

2011-06-18T02:46:00.000-06:00

So I just walked 10 blocks at 1:30am in my pajamas and robe to get some people to stop with their obnoxious drumming. Turns out it wasn't just some stupid person who decided to play drums in the middle of the night, but a WHOLE BAR of stupid people blasting it in the middle of the night. It was some huge bar night at a golfing range, with music BLASTING, and drummers playing as loud as they possibly could.. Not even exaggerating. I swear when men are drunk they can play louder (not to mention WORSE) than otherwise possible.. UGH.

Needless to say, after speaking to a few gentlemen (who were upset I wasn't the stripper, but then pointed me in the right direction anyway) I walked to the main bar and kicked some butt. I went in and demand to speak to the persons in charge of the place. After they got him, I promptly gave him a piece of my mind. And after a short (but lively) debate, he made the drummers cut it out, since it was higher than he thought was legal anyway. I then had to walk the 10 blocks BACK to my house, still in my PJs of course. I got a lot of weird looks from some even weirder people, though a nice policeman stopped to see if I was alright (though I suspect he was actually checking if I was insane or not, walking about in my PJs on main street. I used my acting skills and pretended to be sane.. :P ).
I just google mapped that route. In all, I walked 2.6 miles. At 1:30am. In my PJs. Did I mention I'm sick? It hurts my throat just to swallow my own spit, so you can imagine what it was like to try to speak to those guys. Mr. Thermometer says I currently have a temp of 101.3. I mean, it's not TERRIBLY high, but it's not terribly low, either. My head hurts, and it's almost 3am now.. I think I'm heading back to bed now.
What an interesting night it's been.

Taking Responsibility

2011-05-30T00:41:00.002-06:00

Lately I've been thinking about responsibility, and what exactly it means. I recently found an old notebook entry, which goes along with my thinking line. I think it's an excerpt from the book "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," but I could be wrong. This is for me and for you. I hope you can gain some knowledge from this, as I have. I'm working on this.. And I challenge you to, as well. Be the best you you can be! <3

Taking Responsibility Means..

Never Blaming anyone else for anything you are being, doing, having, or feeling.
Never Blaming yourself.
Being aware of where & when you are not taking responsibility, so that you can work to change it.
Being aware of the things that keep you 'stuck'.
Figuring out what you want in life and acting on it.
Being aware of the multitudes of choices you have in any given situation.

Journal

2011-05-10T03:23:00.000-06:00

Nov 4, 2009
-Inpatient at CFC-

I sit on the couch and ponder. I feel sad today, scared of what the future holds.
I'm uncertain of who I am, of what I need to survive.

Sometimes I'm okay, but more often I'm not.
Even though he's gone now,
the memories are stuck with me-
controlling my head, my thoughts, my life.
Do I know who I am anymore?
I've always been the girl with the smile, the girl joking around and laughing.
But none of it seems real now. I just feel like that scared little girl I see so clearly in my mind. I want to break free, I want to just be ME.
..But how is this possible when I'm in that fear?

I can't ever sleep at night. I'm afraid of the dreams that come. This is killing me. I don't know what to do, what to say. I've asked one too many times.

Eruptions

2011-05-02T04:52:00.001-06:00

I'm in a writing mode. I think it's because I forgot to take my meds this morning, as I'm always so much more creative & expressive when I'm not on them. They're most definitely a necessity for me, but it's nice to let myself go every now and then, get it all out.
I'm sorry my thought are a bit scattered here. It's 5:00am, and I have yet to sleep. I couldn't.. My brain just wanted to erupt, so I'm finally just letting it.

Things are going pretty well right now.
It's hard for me to live in such a structured way, though. I'm too free spirited, I need to be running ad exploring the world. I need to express myself. I need to run wild until I can't anymore, then do it again. I'm not built for structure. But I handle it.

When I'm not at work or anything, I just want to do anything and everything I can. It's kind of a catch 22, though.. Whatever that means. I have such social anxiety, it's hard for me to get out unless I'm with someone else. I have yet to find someone who will chase the air with me, just because we can. And so I am trapped by my own fears. It's odd, actually. I don't really fear anything. I can do anything, I want to do EVERYTHING! Go bungee jumping, sky diving, mountain climbing.. None of these things make me feel afraid. Except.. People. Rejection. Isolation. Ridicule.
I'm not controlled by my mind- I'm controlled by my emotions.

I was a really weird kid, I wasn't liked at all. I was home schooled at first, which was GREAT. I was way ahead of the class in most areas (other than math.. UGH). I loved being home-schooled, and it obviously taught me a LOT. However, it did not teach me social skills.

I didn't know what was socially acceptable, and what wasn't. I didn't understand that you were supposed to dress in a similar fashion as others. I didn't understand what was appropriate and what wasn't. I didn't understand that some things made people uncomfortable, it just didn't make sense.
I was so agonizingly scared & shy that I couldn't even raise my hand to talk to the teacher. I would walk up to her quietly and tug on her shirt a bit. I was awkward, and no one really liked me much. I never really fit in until high school. Because of this, my biggest fear is.. You guessed it. REJECTION. It's so hard for me. Even the slightest rejection makes me want to cry. It's a little annoying to me, actually.. Lol.

I digress.

ANYway.. I have this strong urge to just blow this joint and escape the country for a while, though.. No particular reason, I just want to experience something else, something other than what I think as norm for me. It's really weird to have such a sudden strong urge! Not sure why I told you that, but I did.
Other than my odd 'cravings,' life is pretty good. I'm in love with the kids I work with- they're SO great! They make me so happy. :)
It's great to have kind co-workers as well! Well, mostly. There's one who is kind of rude to me when others aren't around or aren't really paying attention. Just little things, but she's quite belittling. I hate working with her, but you get what you get! The rest of them are awesome! Story of my life... Lol.

I'm doing well with my ED. My dietitian is on maternity leave, so I guess I'm not sure if I'm doing well weight-wise, but I think I am. I'm going to see her.. This Saturday? Next? I'm forget. Sometime soon. I see my therapist about twice a month now. I simply don't need her as much. It's odd, really- but good. A year and a half ago, I was so bad that I had to see a dietitian once a week, an ED specialist Doctor once a week, a psychiatrist once a month, and a therapist TWICE a week- though she wanted to get me in for three times a week. Now I'm seeing my dietitian roughly 1-2x/mo, my therapist 1-2x/mo, my MD every other month if that, and my psychiatrist once every six months or so.
I never thought this possible.. Or at least not so soon. I've been struggling with this for so long.. 11 years, for heaven's sake! In & out of hospitals, not able to go to school, not even able to hold down a job.. My life taken over by this THING. Then along comes CFC. THREE MONTHS. That's it. That's how long it took to get me well on my way to recovery. That's what saved my life. Three. Freaking. Months.
It's just amazing how different I am now. How much healthier I am.. How much HAPPIER I am!
Life. Confusing? yes. Hard? hell yes. Frustrating- as much as it could be. And Good?
YES. Life is so good.

Remember that.

DI Deals & Creativity!

2011-03-22T01:22:00.004-06:00

Recently I've been hitting up DI, and lovin' it! I got the most adorable dress for like $6 the other day. I just HAVE to show it off!! Here we go..

The dress:

A closer look:

Being a cellist myself, I am absolutely in LOVE with this. It just screams MaryLynn!

A cute shirt I got for $3:

A closer look:

Cute, huh? I actually bought it for the material (reasons below), but was pleasantly surprised when I got home and realized it was my size. It was just meant to be! :)

I've also decided to start making things! I'm getting plain shirts/onesies (I have a LOT of friends who are having babies soon), and making them super cute! Here are my first attempts at sewing/ making things on them.. They aren't perfect, but I'm just a beginner! You'll get over it. ;)

Sorry, I couldn't get this one rotated for the life of me! Even on iPhoto.. It would look like it was right, but kept uploading sideways! I finally just gave up on this one.

On this one I stitched the name of the little girl I made it for- Zoe. It was SO adorable, totally made the shirt. It was on the back, on the bottom right corner.. Sadly, I took this pic before finishing it, and forgot to take a pic of it finished.

Okay, so maybe none of my friends are having girls, but girl clothes are so cute! I couldn't resist. Someone's gotta have a little girl sometime!

For a woman at work who just had her little boy!

..And my favorite by a long shot, though simple as it may look (it wasn't).

Edit: My favorite one (above) was made for a baby my dietitian/friend was expecting..
Baby Cole Dee Addley was born March 29, 2011!
I suggested the name Cole.. She loved it! I totally named a baby. ;)

Life as of Lately

2011-03-15T03:33:00.002-06:00

Man, I have had so much anxiety lately! Life is the same as it's been for a while: Institute (When I get up in time!), Work (Which I LOVE!), FHE @ church, or whatever I have planned for the evening, Home, eat, watch TV, Facebook, eat, and go to bed.. after 3 hours of surfing the web and filling my brain with all the knowledge I can.

It's not like I have a big stressor in my life or anything.. I'm just stressed! Everything seems harder than it's been in the recent past.

My Bishop stopped paying for therapy, group, and my dietitian at the end of January. I also just switched wards, so he couldn't help if he wanted to, as he is no longer my bishop. I think this is what's making it hard for me. I feel like I don't have any support, I feel lonely and a little betrayed. My therapist hasn't even bothered to email me and see how I'm doing. All of my old therapists would help me through it and help me find a way. I thought I had a close connection with Cheryl (therapist), but apparently not. I don't know what's going on with that.

My dietitian did check up on me to see what was going on, so that helped.. Just knowing someone remembered about me and still wanted to help, even though I'm not currently paying her to. She's so great.. And she's 8 1/2 months preggo! She's awesome! I'm planning to see her next Thursday, even though it's super expensive. I realized my recovery and health are more important than my money. I really need help, so I'm so happy I can see her before she has her baby boy! ..That is, if he doesn't decide to pop out and make an arrival early! Hehe :)

I'm struggling. It's hard for me to admit it, but I need to. It's hard for me to eat because of my high stress levels I think. Food just doesn't look appetizing at all to me. I know it's most likely psychological, but it's still a reality for me.. An annoying one, at that. I feel nauseous when I eat a lot of the time now. It's so difficult! I feel like I've been losing weight because of it, but I don't actually know. I hope not! I need to keep my weight up so I can be healthy, and therefore more happy!

My boss pulled me aside the other day. She said she was concerned about me. She said I've been shaking (which I haven't noticed), I'm pale, I'm more spacey than usual, and I look like I've lost a lot of weight. I didn't realize you could tell at all, but she could. Estephanie (My boss) even talked to her boss (So my bosses boss, AKA the vice principal), because she (vice principal) said she'd noticed as well. The next day the pulled me aside into Jana(Vice principal)'s office, and spoke with me. They let me know they were concerned, and wanted to know if there was anything they could do to help me out, and how they could support me.

Though there's really not much they can do, it really helped me to know there were people who cared, who were there to support me. I almost cried because I had been feeling so alone, and then someone cared. I'm kind of a crier, though. I try not to, but when I'm in a situation that's stressful, I get teary eyed from being so over-anxious. Ah, well.

It's actually a bit easier now that I feel like there are people there to support me and help me if I need it. Tonight (Tues) I'm meeting with my bishop. I'm SUPER scared to do it, but I really need to talk to him about my situation and see if he can help out at all.

I've been trying to go to a cheaper group @ LDS fam services on Wednesdays, but it's hard for me to part with the money I so badly need to pay off my debt! Again, I just keep telling myself that my well-being is more important than silly money.

In other, unrelated news, I'm making cute clothes now! I just barely started, but I'm super excited. I'm hoping it will be a good outlet for relieving my stress! I'll put a picture up soon. It's adorable.

Okay, the end.
In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN! :P
Hehe ;)

Did you know...

2011-02-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

HAPPY NEDAW! In honor of this National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I've decided to post a few facts about EDs! Here we go..

PREVALENCE

It is estimated that 8 million Americans have eating disorders – seven million women and one million men
One in 200 American women suffers from anorexia
Two to three in 100 American women suffers from bulimia
Nearly half of all Americans personally know someone with an eating disorder (Note: One in five Americans suffers from mental illnesses.)
An estimated 10 – 15% of people with anorexia or bulimia are males

MORTALITY RATES

Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover
The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems

ACCESS TO TREATMENT

Only 1 in 10 people with eating disorders receive treatment
About 80% of the girls/women who have accessed care for their eating disorders do not get the intensity of treatment they need to stay in recovery – they are often sent home weeks earlier than the recommended stay
Treatment of an eating disorder in the US ranges from $500 per day to $2,000 per day. The average cost for a month of inpatient treatment is $30,000. It is estimated that individuals with eating disorders need anywhere from 3 – 6 months of inpatient care. Health insurance companies for several reasons do not typically cover the cost of treating eating disorders
The cost of outpatient treatment, including therapy and medical monitoring, can extend to $100,000 or more

ADOLESCENTS

Anorexia is the 3rd most common chronic illness among adolescents
95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25
50% of girls between the ages of 11 and 13 see themselves as overweight
80% of 13-year-olds have attempted to lose weight

RACIAL AND ETHNIC MINORITIES

Rates of minorities with eating disorders are similar to those of white women
74% of American Indian girls reported dieting and purging with diet pills
Essence magazine, in 1994, reported that 53.5% of their respondents, African-American females were at risk of an eating disorder
Eating disorders are one of the most common psychological problems facing young women in Japan.

Missing my little 'Cougars' and 'Cheetahs'...

2010-12-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

Writhing in misery.. I'm no longer allowed to go to work until I get a signed note from my neurologist stating that, with my epilepsy, it's safe for me to be working with children. This is a bunch of crap! I LOVE work, I'm seriously in physical pain and feel like I'm gonna barf (Not purposefully..) because it makes me so sick to have to be away from my kids. I've been crying for hours, now. Did you know that it takes 6-8 months on average to get an apt with a given neurologist? Luckily, it looks like getting a not only takes a few weeks.. Which I started trying to get a few weeks ago. Hopefully soon.. Then, on TOP of that, they're sending me a bunch of paperwork to fill out and want me to release my medical records for them. I can't release my medical records, and they can't make me! Pretty sure that's against the ADA. Normally I wouldn't care, but I've been in the psych ward more times than I can count (literally) for my Eating Disorder, and I feel like once they see how many times I've been admitted to Psych wards, they'll think I'm unstable, and therefore not suitable to work with children. Doesn't matter that it was just because of an ED, it's still a psych ward. I can't release that information to them, and I don't have to.. What the heck is this crap? I mean, I'm grateful that I'm still getting paid while all this drama is going on, but I don't care. I'd rather go to work and not get paid than not go to work and get paid for it. I just want to go to work. I want my kids back.

Jackson Jump?

2010-11-14T00:18:00.001-07:00

So my coordinator at work, Estephanie, got an email from the district office a few days ago.. Apparently they want me to start a jump team at Jackson Elem! Exciting, right?
It'll be hard starting w/ new kids (they don't have experience, so they can't help others), but It can be done!

It sounds like we're going to be able to have auditions for it (thank goodness!), but only kids currently in the after-school program can try out. Not sure how I feel about that vs what I'm used to.
At Magna Elem, all 3-6 graders could try out, so we could really pick and choose the best ones- and there were older, more experienced kids, who could help out the newer ones. I'm kind of nervous about this whole thing, I feel like they may have these huge expectations of me.. What if I can't live up to those? What if there aren't enough kids in there with rhythm and potential talent? What if we don't find good speed ropes and can't do it? What if, for some reason, the whole thing fails miserably?

Geez, I can get myself so worked up over these things! I've done JT for five years. I've been missing it a lot. I LOVE coaching JT. Why am I so nervous, then??
Probably because it's different. Though I've done it before, it's new. It's change.
I've found a pattern in myself, which I've been telling myself I want to change. I tend to shy away from almost anything and everything involving change (Probably the reason I haven't worked on this pattern; that would involve changing!).
Why? Who in the heck knows.

Mary Lynn, you're a big kid. You can do this. You can deal with change. You've made a lot of changes in the past year, and you've managed to survive. No need to panic, ML. No need to freak out.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
It will be okay.
CHILL.

Long-Time No-Blog! ;)

2010-09-25T02:27:00.003-06:00

So guess what? I FINALLY GOT A JOB, after MONTHS of looking!!
And it's a great one- I get to work in an elementary school!
I'm a group leader for the second graders. This means I do a bunch of stuff with them after school- Like we do snack, movement/recess time, computers, homework, enrichment activities I get to plan, gym time... That sort of thing. I interviewed for it on Monday, and was hired on the spot. I 'officially' started on Tuesday, but that was just meeting with HR people for a few hours and getting fingerprinted etc.
Wednesday I shadowed someone & helped with her kids, and Thursday was.. well, an odd day. They didn't take into account that it was an early day (No school Friday), so it was kind of a mess that day.
On Monday, I'm going to be with my second graders by myself. I'm excited!

Also, I'm scared. No, not scared because of the kids or the responsibility.. I'm scared of the adults. I'm scared of doing things in the wrong order and getting in trouble.
The girl I shadowed wasn't helpful at ALL. I tried to ask questions and stuff, but she wouldn't really answer. She would answer with maybe a head nod/shake or a "Just whatever you think, I don't know."
It drove me crazy! I feel so incompetent now. I learned like nothing, and I'm expected to single-handedly do a bunch of things with a bunch of seven and eight year olds I've hardly met, all of whom, by the way, think it's hilarious to tell me rules that don't exist and remove the ones that do.
Yeah. Hilarious. Let's make teacher freak! Baahaha. Kids are cute.

I'm SO scared of messing up though, guys! Again, don't get me wrong- I'm absolutely amazing with kids, there's no doubt about it. I know I can do that, it's just my niche. No anxieties or anything.
Darn adults.. Haha. It's okay, though. I suppose anxieties are to be expected with this sort of thing.

Anyway, here's me at my first day of work at Jackson Elementary, getting ready to head in!

And this is the FRONT of Jackson Elementary- It's Rose Park area, as you can probably tell by how high-class it is! ;) Lol. Kind of looks like an old office building or something, huh? Haha

In other news, I'm doing pretty well therapeutically and eating-wise. I've been struggling for a while , but that's to be expected in recovery. The important thing is that I'm back on track! I'm working hard to be okay! I've re-realized something recently:
Living life in darkness and agony- physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually... Being afraid of sleep because you're afraid that you literally won't wake up again.. being so engulfed in misery, you can't even leave your room.. The life of my ED just isn't the life I want anymore. Therefore, I'm refusing to live it. I'm ready to create my own life, away from that of my Eating Disorder.
I think I'm finally ready to live my life.

Lure them out, perhaps?

2010-08-12T09:29:00.003-06:00

I can't help but get this odd feeling that there are birds wanting to live in my cooler (In the window), thus causing me to keep my only source of cool air off.
Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that there ARE birds trying to move into my cooler.

In other news, I have an uggo-blog- I know!! Sorry guys, this darn new formatting is messin' with my groove! I was finally pro at making layouts, until.. The new formatting thing appeared, and my background was due for a changing. Darn!

Also, other stuff.

ML

Vyvanse

2010-08-04T06:37:00.000-06:00

So, my psychiatrist put me on this new med- Vyvanse. It's a strong Rx for my ADD. My ADD gets in the way of a lot of things. For instance: I can't read a book without stopping and re-reading a thousand times. I read the words in my mind, but I pay no to attention to what it's actually saying a lot of the time. I don't mean to do this, but my mind just inevitably goes to other subjects. I'll realize this after a little while, and have to go back and read what I 'missed'.

Sometimes it will happen more than once on the same thing- meaning I'll go back to re-read something, and space off again- making me need to re-read it even again. It takes me forever to read a book. Luckily, I'm a very good and very fast reader. English stuff is kinda my thing, though I know doesn't always show in my writings. Sorry about that..

But I digress. I can read a book fairly quickly because, let's face it, I'm an awesome reader.. And I totally tested at a college level reading when I was in fifth grade. I'm just sayin'..
However, if I'm SUPER interested in the book, I can usually keep my mind on it.. Which happens once or twice every few years. It's kind of dreadful.

Now, with MOVIES.. I can only watch them at home, as I can pause and rewind when my mind wanders, and I can be actively doing something else at the same time- keeping me busy, and allowing me to be more focused. I cannot follow the story lines in movie theaters.

So, those are two minor things, even though I kind of went on & on. Two of the more major(ish) and annoying ones are: SHOWERING/BATHING. It generally takes me an hour to an hour and a half to do this. Why? Because my mind wanders so much. I don't remember what I'm doing at all- and when I do, I do it really slowly.. Because I can't pay attention to it. I don't have something right in front of me, reminding me. The water doesn't appear to be enough to make me remember. I usually realize and hurry when all the hot water is gone. Blast!

The last major one I can think of is driving. I'm actually not entirely sure if it's normal or not, but I just can't pay attention to the road. I mean, don't get me wrong, I pay attention absentmindedly- just not actively. Well, most of the time. I'm a VERY good driver. Granted, I've been in one accident in which I was the driver- but it had absolutely nothing to do with my driving skills. I had a seizure while driving (in which, by pure luck, no one was hurt but me- and mine weren't that major), but that was a fluke in my body, not my abilities. Not to honk my own horn (pun intended), but I'm a really great driver. Ask anyone. ;)

So, I'm not really sure what impact that may have on my driving- that is, if it isn't normal. I keep myself occupied, though. I drive an hour away every Wednesday, and sometimes just forget to turn on the music, as I'm already watching my vivid imagination in my head. It's cool, whether or not others do it.

Okay, so back to the POINT of this post!! I was just put on Vyvanse a little over a week ago. It seemed to be working a little bit the first couple of days. For two to four days, I was supposed to take half- then three fourths for that amt of time, then up to a full capsule (This is all because it's so strong).
I was on a different medication a long time ago, but I was taken off because they were afraid it would interact with my seizure meds.. And we all know that's no good! Vyvanse is a fairly new med, which they have tested with epilepsy meds, and were found to be safe. Therefore, I started taking it.

Now, the problem is.. I'm having side effects. I tend to have reactions or side effects to most things, so it was entirely expected that I would.. Just not this much! I have like 2/3 of the side effects mentions, I swear! It's to the point I think I'm going to slowly take myself off of it.. But I'm not entirely certain about it. I can't visit my psychiatrist about it, as I lost my health insurance Aug. 1st.
Now, for those few of you that actually got through this entire post, I have something to ask..
Could I possibly get any thoughts on this? On what you think I could/should possibly do? It would be greatly appreciated, I'm at a dead end here.

To help you get an idea of what's going on, I will share with you the side effects that I, personally, and experiencing:
Depression, decreased appetite, dizziness, dry mouth, increased sweating episodes, mild irritability, nervousness, restlessness, constipation, nausea, difficulty sleeping, unpleasant taste, weight loss, agitation, headaches, increased obsessive compulsive behaviors, anxiety, skin irritation/itching, slight tremor (likely from not sleeping well).

..Yeah. That's it. Most of it is very very minor, just enough to make me feel a bit 'off'. The only stronger one is, of course, decreased appetite.. Probably leading to weight loss, that's why I put that one on there. I don't actually know, as I don't own a scale. I'm visiting my dietitian today (Thank Heavenly Father for my church, who pays for me to see my dietitian, my therapist, and my ED group!), and she'll weigh me. She won't tell me my weight, but she will likely tell me if I lost weight or not.

Anyway, thanks guys!! Sorry if this post is confusing- with the whole "difficulty sleeping" thing going on, it's 6:30 in the morning, and I have yet to be able to get some sleep. Excuse my terrible writing and grammar mistakes I'm sure I've made!

The warning at the top of every Vyvanse page...

v v v v v v v v v

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

IDK why, but I find this a tiny bit funny.. BAD Mary Lynn, BAD!

Okay, so LOVES to you all!!
Thank you so much for supporting me through this madness
I call recovery.. and life. ;)

<3
Mary Lynn

Crossroads No More

2010-07-10T07:36:00.004-06:00

For the past few days, I've been throwing myself a party.
Sadly, it has been a pity fest. I was quite consciously allowing myself to go downhill.
Then.. I logged on to my blogger account (so I could catch up on the daily writings of those around me), and was reminded of my new recovery blog. I noticed something.. I made it a recovery blog. I could have just made it a general 'eating disorder stuff' blog, but I didn't. I chose not to.

I subconsciously decided that recovery from my ED was more important than my ED itself. I didn't WANT to write about it, I wanted to write about getting rid of it. Deep inside of me- although it's hard for even me to see at times- I want recovery. To my very core, the very essence of Mary Lynn, this is what I want.

I have already chosen my destination.
I've chosen the path of love, the path of peace inside of myself..

I have made the decision to live.

Doing the Work.

2010-06-27T10:13:00.000-06:00

Sit through a little scenario with me, if you will.. :

Once upon a time, in a land wherever you are,
there was you.
One day, you decided to have a party.
You didn't mean for the party to get so out of control-
Friends invited friends, who invited friends..
You kept trying to calm everything down,
To no avail..

Until you were finally so tired,
You just stopped trying to keep the peace.
Needless to say (But I'll say it, anyway),
Your house gets pretty trashed.
Go figure.

The next day,

you want your house clean again-

Because it's so much more peaceful that way.

But it's just so messy, it's overwhelming.
You need help, you just can't get it all done by yourself!
So you call a cleaning company.

They come to your house,

and start cleaning...

Except, they don't live there.

They don't know where anything goes.

Sure, they can vacuum, pick up the trash..
Maybe you call a friend

who can help put your furniture back together
(Yes, it was that bad)

But if you want your house put together right,
Everything put in it's proper place,
Everything back to normal..

Then YOU have to do the work.
No one else knows where everything belongs;
Where you need things to be
to have your home back together

The same goes for healing.

You can have as many people around you, helping you,
As you could want..

But in the end,

You are your own best healer.

It's true, you cannot do it on your own-

You'll need help,
And sometimes a lot of it

But in the end,

Only you can heal yourself.

No one else can do that for you.
You are your own best healer.
...

Thanks to Heather Lewin for the base of this post! Love you!

Elisabeth!

2010-06-20T05:49:00.000-06:00

My awesome little sister, Elisabeth, is coming to visit! I haven't seen her in a long time.. Too long.

She will be here on Monday, July 5th!! Therefore, I've dedicated this post to the awesomeness of Elisabeth(/ Elisagarth/ Beelzebub/ Abisaleth/ Bubs/ Beth(ie)/ Bethaliz), in honor of her 24 day homecoming. (That's 24 days, not a 24 hr day!) Here are the many faces of my favorite almost-fifteen-year-old.Yes. This is going to be a picture overload. You will look at it, and you will love it. ;)
I especially love this first one!!

^ Nope.. She doesn't like lemons! ^

^ So photogenic! ^

^Elisabeth and another of our sisters, Leelou ^

^ So photogenic! ^One of her MANY hair cuts and colors.. one of my favs!

^ Queen Elisabeth^

^ On a swamp tour in da Bayou! (Louisiana)^

^Elisagarth being a mouse.. or lion?^

^ Steering a boat!^

^ Yummy^

^ She was THRILLED to pose for a pic with her new hat!^

^Isn't she just the cutest thing ever??^

^ The fading purple hair look.^

It's all the rage!

^Happy to be with our dad in a pub!^

^ More new hair!^

^ Fourteen isn't too old to go trick-or-treating!^

^ Spinning a staff, somewhere cool.^

^ Hiking! The faded-purple-hair look has turned into the mostly-gray look.^

^ Her personality. She loves to stand out from the rest!^

^ Street performing in Boston :) ^

^ SO cute. With my dad, about 14 years ago^

^ Zombie hunting on the streets of Boston. Ya know, the usual.^
(And you think I'm kidding about 'the usual'..)

^ Current. She now has WHITE hair!^
Actually a bit blond for her liking, so she is about to bleach it again..

^ Elisabeth and me- two days ago!^
She is SO gorgeous. Stole the beauty in our family!
(Not that the rest of us aren't, it's just that she one-upped us!)
..And she doesn't even LIKE pictures! ;)
(This pic uploaded 6/9/10- She's here!)

I don't even know.

2010-06-08T08:03:00.005-06:00

What am I doing? What has my life come to?
I'll tell you what I'm doing- I'm failing. I'm taking shortcuts in my journey to recovery. Shortcuts, leading to more shortcuts, leading to.. You know. I can feel myself straying further and further away from my path to recovery. I don't want to go away from it. I like being happy, and that's what recovery brings..

So why am I subconsciously fighting to go back to my old habits? The very habits that have almost killed me in the past? What is going on in my subconscious that I don't know about? How is it that I've lived my entire life with myself, yet I don't even know my own mind? What is wrong with me? Why is everything inside of my fighting so hard against each other? Why can't I forget about everything and just be Mary Lynn? It's a lot harder than I could possibly explain- especially since I simply cannot explain. I don't think I ever can. All these things, all these questions, run through my head at a hundred miles an hour, and I wish I could answer them, but.. I simply don't know.

There is a huge hole inside of me. A black hole, slowly sucking me in from the inside out. I want it to go away, but no matter how much I feed it, or how much of myself I turn over to it, it always wants more. It's never enough- I'M never enough. I'm missing something vital from my structure, and I know not what it is. Can I ever be fixed? Will anything I do ever be enough? Will I really be able to survive this? Not just move my feelings and thoughts to the side, not just prolong my life- I mean actually survive it.. in the long run.

I'm beginning to lose that hope I still long to hold onto. I fell physically sick admitting that I'm not doing okay. I should be doing great, I've been out of CFC for but four months.. But I can't ignore this or lie to myself anymore, I just can't. ..Or maybe I feel sick because I'm not doing okay. I don't know.

Why must it be so easy to fall into this again? This thing that's been torturing me for the past ten years of my life? It's just so easy. TOO easy. You see, I don't like food. No, not as in ED stuff (Though that's true, too..), but as in I physically DON'T LIKE IT. It tastes disgusting. It's all these weird and awkward consistencies, in my mouth of all places! Uncomfortable textures galore, making me want to gag.. Yes, literally. I do not like food, Sam I am. I do not like it with all that I am.
It also doesn't help that I STILL don't have hunger signals. I don't get hungry, I don't like food. Bad combo.
Not liking food+ never hungry+ trying to recover from an ED= Disaster, waiting to happen.

My doctor, Karly, is not happy with me at all. She says I keep losing weight- and a lot of it. More of me does not want to lose weight, but I have to admit.. A part of me does. A very small part of me is ecstatic every time Karly comes in, with a sad look on her face.. A look of disappointment.. A look that means something isn't okay. 85% of me feels so sad, so ashamed that I'm fighting this so hard, and I'm still losing. But that little part of me- that 15%- feels an odd sense of relief. What am I doing? Why am I losing my ground fighting against my ED? I simply don't know.

I'm just about ready to put up my white flag and surrender to this monster inside of me, killing me. I can't help but wonder if this is what the rest of my life is going to look like. Can I get better? Can I just go back to being Mary Lynn, no strings attached? I don't even know.

Just Journaling.

2010-05-23T01:21:00.001-06:00

I'm very tired and cold tonight. This past day was my four month anniversary from discharging from CFC- yay me! I've been working hard... And apparently not quite hard enough.
I know that.

   I've been lying to myself, telling myself that I'm doing just fine, and mostly believing it. Reality check, ML- you aren't going to make it at this rate. You need to step it up- you need to put in your all. This is the battle of my life- the battle FOR my life. This half-ass'd attempt just isn't going to do it.

   Today I went to see my ED specialist MD, Karly. She was not very happy. She says my weight is continuing to drop every week, and it's scaring her. She actually had to go ask another MD about it, because she was pretty worried.. Especially because I have my boot on from my ankle surgery, so that adds weight.. I hate that. I know I haven't been doing amazingly lately, but I was just so sure that my weight was stable at least. I'm actually not even having all that many ED thoughts, it's mainly just my will to eat. I sincerely do not like food. It tastes gross, the consistency and textures bother me.. It's just not something I think I'll ever really enjoy. I don't like it, I don't want it, and I don't remember it because of my lack of hunger signals. This sucks.

   In other news, there's an ED behavior that I really want to engage in.. But I'm not sure if it's really ''ED motivated,'' per say. I really want to purge recently. Why? Not to get the food out. Not so I can eat without feeling that twinge of guilt because I know I can reverse it.. I want to because I feel unpretty- in my face. I feel a little embarrassed to say this, but that's okay..- I've kind of fallen in love with myself- with my face. I've often felt just gorgeous because of my square-ish face, green eyes, and my smile. Seriously, I can admit that. The problem is, that I don't have my face shape anymore. The shape of my face is like the one thing that's held me together sometimes, or so it seems.. Now that I'm not throwing up for various hours every day (I actually haven't at ALL since CFC! Hazah!), my cheeks are no longer swollen. I no longer have that shape to my face- I no longer see the Mary Lynn I know in the mirror, I see an odd looking midget. Yep, that's me.

Now, I understand that my self image can be pretty damn distorted sometimes, but I don't think this is one of those times. This time I know that I'm right, and I would feel more pretty if I could just start purging, again. I don't want to, I've been doing so well with that!! And I do want to; I want to feel good about myself. I'm so torn.

   In other news, I'm socially incompetent. Seriously, I've realized this recently. I don't know how to act in social situations, what to say, what things upset people, what's too much information, what's appropriate in the moment. I don't know what to do with myself, how I'm supposed to sit or stand, when I'm supposed to just listen and when I'm supposed to offer help. I don't know how direct to be. I constantly feel like I'm putting on this huge act, just trying to be acceptable and do things right. I try, and I fail- over and over. It's so frustrating for me, I just don't know how to be a good friend. It makes me so sad sometimes. I just want to learn how to be a ''normal'' person. Ggahhh! I just get too excited about everything and over do it.

   It's raining outside. I love rain, it's so calming, so serene. I need to move to ''Forks'' to get my rain kicks, I would fall in love with it. Probably.
I think it's time for me to fall asleep to the sounds of the rain, softly washing our beautiful Earth and nourishing the amazing plant life we are so blessed with.
Goodnight, my friends. Sleep well.

Feelings are confusing

2010-05-17T13:54:00.002-06:00

.
"Recovery feels like losing a best friend"
I feel like that today. I'm doing SO much better, and I'm SO much more happy without my ED...
But I miss my old best friend, sometimes. Is it okay to miss that? Am I crazy?
I don't want it back. NO WAY! I just feel my heart aching tonight. Missing the friend I had for so many years, the one that got me through the tough times when I truly did need a friend to help me through. And while I do NOT want it back.. I miss my best friend. My Eating Disorder.

I'm crazy! I love being in recovery like no other! It's awesome, all the things I can do now, all the energy I have!! My body is amazing! I had two surgeries last week.. And guess what? My body is preforming a miracle, right before my eyes. It's healing itself. I, Mary Lynn, have to power to heal. THAT is really something. I know, it's one of those things that an "average" person would shrug off- "Healing? Yeah, that's what happens when you get hurt. Duh."

No. MY body has never really healed when I've gotten hurt, as your body needs nutrition and energy in order to do so. Standing and looking at it, from my different point of view, it truly is a miracle. I had surgery. My body was CUT INTO. TWICE. That's kind of a big deal. And I can handle it. My body can handle it. I can preform miracles.

So why do I still feel like there's something missing in my life, like I just need that one old friend back, and I'll be complete? I'm happy for the most part.. But deep inside, a part of me- I don't even know how big that part of me is- feels lost and alone.
I feel like I've lost my best friend.

What happens now?

Recovery

2010-05-08T03:49:00.000-06:00

Recovery is like a helium balloon.

First, you, your balloon of recovery,

gets slowly filled up.

But instead of being filled of air,

You are filled with potential confidence,

epiphanies,

and the tools you need

to be able to build self-love.. Your helium.

(Oh, and not to mention, food.) (;

You hold onto your balloon of recovery for dear life

As it begins to raise you into the air..
Your arms aren't strong enough.

You begin to lose your grip.
You slip, and fall to the ground.

HARD.
You relapse.

You try re-filling your balloon

It takes less time than before.
It still has some helium left in it.
A kick start,

A boost.

You begin floating up, again.

This time you're prepared for a slip

..This time you've tied a knot to hang on to.

You stay in the air for a long time.
You start getting so tired
Your hands are sweaty
One slips.
Both slip.
You fall.
You relapse.

Third try.
You're getting the hang of it.

Again, youstart flying up.

Up, up, and away..

You are in the air for a very long time.

Longer than you thought possible.

Until....

You start to run low on helium.

You run low on all those things you were filled with.

You stop going up.
You've tried so hard

Prepared so much

Hung tightly on for so long..
And you fail.

You hold onto your balloon for a time
Staying right where you are.
No progression
Just heart ache at your fail

And confusion.

You notice you're moving, again.
You get excited.

And then you begin to fall.

How long will you fall for?
How far off the ground are you?
How much do you have to lose?
You don't know.

You soon realize there are other balloons
Floating upward, nearby.
You know what you have to do to stay up.

The question then is
Do you jump?

Do you have enough "fuel" to swing to the next balloon?

Do you have the confidence, self-love, and strength
To take a leap of faith?

If not, you fall back to the ground

And start over.
You do not pass "Go".
You do not collect $200.

But

If you do have what it takes to jump..

You jump.
You take your leap of faith, and hope for the best..

You catch another balloon.

You balloon skip.

Until you reach the clouds-

Until you reach safety.

The point where you can finally say the word "recovered"

without feeling fear,

guilt,

or shame.

That moment when you become independent

and live your own life without therapists,

dietitians, doctors, and hospitals surrounding you,

making your load feel heavier under all of the pressure

That moment when you can breathe a sigh of relief

And know that YOU have just won the battle.

..But not the war.

You will inevitably slip

Through the safety of the clouds
At one point or another.
You will fall.
And if you can't catch a balloon on the way down,
You hit the ground.

HARD.

And it WILL take more than one balloon to reach the top.

And you WILL fall.

But not necessarily to the bottom.

Just enough to realize the difference between sick, stuck, recovering, and recovered.

Each balloon is filled with something different.

The first is filled with what was mentioned above.

But the ones after are filled of all different kinds of things.

I couldn't tell you what they're all filled with,
Even if I wanted to.

It depends upon which balloon you grasp

And how heavy the load you carry is.

Each balloon is a different color.

Each color is something different..

That's the excitement of balloon skipping.

You learn and gain new things with each balloon,

and you never know exactly what you'll be learning next

until you're there.

So, where am I at?
I know you're likely wondering..

I would give you an answer..
But I can't.
I suppose, if I have to say,
I am on a balloon pretty high up there
Grasping on to that balloon's frail string.

My balloon is most definitely running out of helium.
I'm losing my ground.
I'm very slowly getting further from the clouds
And slightly closer to the ground.

I need a balloon. I need someone, something,
To help me find one.
My glasses are foggy,
I can't make out the balloons
Floating right by me
Passing me by.

I don't care if I can see them.
I need one.

I get ready to take the leap.

When another balloon passes me by

Can I make it?

We'll have to see.

There is no answer for that until it has arrived.

I will admit,

I'm scared to jump..
Especially with my newly- fogged glasses.

I like my current balloon.

What if the next one is different?

Where is my next journey?

What parts of the myself,
Even, of the sky,

Will I be sent to explore next?

I guess I'll have to go on an adventure
and see where it takes me.

It may be scary,

but I can't be recovered with only learning about one part of myself.

I must learn all there is to know in the mind, body, and soul
of ME, of Mary Lynn,

to truly and fully recover.

Gang McDonald

2010-05-08T02:00:00.001-06:00

So, last week I went to group- And there were only three of us! I love it when it's like that.. it makes it cozy :)

Anyway, after group the three of us decided to head to McDonald's. As we were sitting there munching on our fries, some gangsa looking black guys came up to us and started majorly hitting on us..

"Hey, ladies. Mind if we sit with you? What're your names?"
Kiera: "...I'm Danny."
Danielle(A little taken off-guard with Kiera using a name so similar to hers): "D..err.. Danielle."
Mary Lynn: "I'm Mary Lynn."

Gangsta #1 (G1):"Well helloo, I'm Gangsta#1." (Okay, so maybe I forgot his name a little..)

Gangsta 2: "I'm G2"

G3: "I'm G3..."
..(ETC)

..Anyway, they start up a convo with us, G1 being the obviously more outspoken and most interested one of the group.

G1: "Hey, you ladies from around here?"

US: "Yep. Just hangin' out."

G1: "Well, we all from Chicago- how about you ladies show us around?"

Kiera: "Well, I actually have to get back to my husband and son, soon." (Which is true.)

G1: Oh, y'all married with a kid at 24? Daang, girl."

ME *Drawing attention to her wedding ring*: Yeah, isn't that the most gorgeous ring you've ever seen??" (So he doesn't get offended and think she's lying.)

G1(to Danielle): "How about you, you married, boyfriend..?"

Danielle: "Yep. I live with my boyfriend and my six year old daughter." (Also true.)

G1(to me): "How about you, babe?"

Me: "..Nope. No boyfriend. No husband. No kids."

G1: "Well how 'bout YOU show us around town, then? Maybe we could make it a night, get something to eat.. Our hotel is just around the corner.."

Me: "Uhm, no thanks."

G1: "Why's that? We just need someone showing us around, where all the good places to be are."

ML: " Nope. That's pretty weird."

G1: "Weird? How's that weird? What's a guy gotta do to get a date with you?"

ML: "Well, I kinda have to know him, not just meet him and his posse randomly at McDonalds. That's pretty creeper, I'm not gonna lie. That's like a classic date rape set-up goin' on there, straight up. Sorry, no offense, but seriously. It's a scene straight from Law & Order waiting to happen."

G1: "Wha? You think I'm weird?"

ML: "No, not necessarily you, just the concept of you. I don't know you, dude."

G1: " Well, How's about I get your number, & we can get to know each other?"

ML: "Uhm, Stranger Danger! Not happening. Sorry, dude. Also, I'm on crutches. How am I supposed to show you around town?I mean seriously. Think ahead, here. Anyway, we need to go. It's getting late, and 'Danny' and Danielle need to put their kids to bed. Later."

G1 (still laughing a bit): "Alright.. You sure you don't want to give me your number?"

ML:"Yep. Sorry, dude."

..Uhm, yeah. Can I just say how freaking GOOD that felt, to just tell him what was goin' on, straight up? To not be making lame excuses so as to not hurt their feelngs, just announcing what was going to happen straight up, in a kind manner?

Uhm. That was epic. I felt so empowered!! Wahoo!!

I know, that was a long (and likely boring) story, but I just had to share!
Guess what, world? I'm BOLD and BEAUTIFUL!!!
Suck. On. THAT.

Three Years in the Making (& some good news!!)

2010-04-12T20:09:00.007-06:00

(Scratch that last post!!! Ed found a job, he's not going to move in with us, after all!! WAHOOO!! Oh, happy day!!!)

In other news, I think this whole "eating" thing is working well for me. I just feel so good about life!

Here, we have a picture of me, a little less than three years ago. This was about four months before I was so engulfed in my ED that I was finally admitted into the ICU. (Oops.)

Now, notice the very puffy cheeks. Normally, you'd think someone with Anorexia would have a very sunken in face, right? Wrong. Not if they throw up twenty times a day, even if all they've had is water. The stomach acids are very erosive, causing your cheeks to swell a lot.. It was all I could do to smile, and you can kinda tell. I also notice how colorless my eyes look..

This next photo was taken yesterday. My cheeks aren't puffy, as I haven't purged since I was barely admitted to CFC. Over all, I've been doing fairly well with eating, too. And guess what? I feel HAPPY now! My skin is brighter- and so much CLEARER! Granted, one pic is indoors, one is out.. But that's because I was too depressed to leave my room at all. Another difference! My hair is lighter, which happens when I'm eating healthier and am outside in the sun more! (My hair is SUPER sun-sensitive, and people who are malnourished's hair color quite often turns fades to something more dull)

So, here's the difference three years and a bit of food and help makes (Do the scrolling from one to the next thing, you can really tell the difference!) :

This makes me feel good about all the work I've been doing. YAY for being the HEALTHY Mary Lynn!! I like her better, anyway. SO. THERE!! :D

PS- Neither of these pictures are edited.

Uncomfortable, to say the least

2010-04-11T23:45:00.005-06:00

So, there's this guy who I don't know very well. My mother is very good friends with him, and has been for a very long time! Anyway, he's always given me the creeps. I don't know why, and I guess there's no valid reason for me feeling this way- but still, I always feel VERY uncomfortable around him. Luckily, it's very rare that I even see him. His name is Ed. No, I don't mean my Eating Disorder "Ed"- This one is a real dude.

Now, Ed is currently jobless. My mother talked to him, and.. He's going to be living with us now, for "at least a few months". IN. OUR. HOUSE. I am NOT comfortable with this, I'm overflowing with anxiety, and I don't know what to do! I suppose there's nothing I CAN do, but that doesn't change my obviously messed up radar from going HAYWIRE on me! I just feel this fear I can't explain. I seriously have no reason to feel this way. I'm going crazy just thinking about it. I'm not okay with it, I wish someone could just understand the intense emotions I'm feeling, whether valid or not! Just UNDERSTAND that this is too much for me! I'm seriously starting to cry right now. I've never been a crier- but recently, I've gotten quite emotional over certain things.. I'm not sure why this is included in my emotional section, but it is. Why? I have no idea.

Good times, good times...

2010-04-10T01:04:00.005-06:00

Tonight I've been playing scrabble with James. Playing Scrabble with the two of us always gets pretty interesting...

James: "Is 'zooerotica' a word? As in erotica, with animals? I'm going to Google it."

James (three minutes later): "Well, it's not a word, but there are PLENTY of websites for it..." :/

Later-

James: "What about 'queerotica'- is that a word? ... As in 'queer' and 'erotica'?"

MaryLynn: "...Go Google it."

New LIFE-SAVING methods!!!

2010-04-09T02:08:00.002-06:00

'Let's eat Grandma!!'

or

'Let's eat, Grandma!'

...

Punctuation saves lives.

......................

**Please, warn your children about the dangers
of improper grammar. Statistics show that the
number of grammar-related deaths
this past year alone has been skyrocketing.

Don't become a statistic.

Teach your family. Teach your children. Save a life.
Together, we CAN make a difference!

One week at a time..

2010-04-08T03:11:00.001-06:00

I am having a really crappy week. First, my therapist, Ali, had her baby 3 weeks earlier than expected- which is totally great for her! A beautiful, healthy baby girl named Claire! I know- Precious!! However, for ME, this means that I no longer have a therapist. Like, AT ALL. IDK what I'm going to do, I'm supposed to be seeing one twice a week, not none 0 times a week. 'Fer Reelz.
Then, of course, today I lost my dietitian, Lauren. She won't see me anymore because I've lost weight the past few weeks- not meaningfully, though! So this week I kicked my own ass into gear and TOTALLY followed that meal plan! I did get my weight back to where Lauren isn't going to freak out... but that doesn't matter, Apparently, during the week, the OP Tx team had a meeting, and decided that I'm not good enough to be seeing Lauren, anymore. Lauren says she sees that I'm trying, and would love to continue seeing me, but it isn't her call. Who's call is it? A group of people who have never even SEEN me in their entire lives. SERIOUSLY?!!?! Plus I've had a migraine headache for what has to be like a month or something by now, And I'm pretty sure my mono has flared up again, so I'm going to the doctor tomorrow- orrr.. technically, today. I'm so tired ALL of the time. It's ridic! And I've had the hiccups for at least a week, now.. THAT'S not normal.. Silly, Mary Lynn- Trix are for kids! Also, as Ali is MIA for a while, Group has been moved to Wednesday nights.. Which I can't do.

So, to wrap it all up: No Therapist. No Dietitian. No more Tues night group. Having trouble gaining weight. Fate determined by strangers. Migraine headache for month+. Hiccups for weeks. Can't stay awake- AKA can't function normally. Had a fever today. I'm kind of depressed now.. Oh, and for the grand finale- I can only chew on one side of my mouth, as I have to get a root canal soon. Oh, happy day...

Life is bliss.

Seriously?

2010-03-30T01:06:00.007-06:00

Today I took a test on Facebook, which rated my level of English grammar. Now, we all know that I'm a grammar Nazi, yet it claims I missed one! I went through and took the test four more times, but it insists I missed one!! They messed up. I quadruple checked, and all of my answers were definitely correct. Also, they used improper...... grammar in most of the questions. I'm seriously upset by this, what has this world come to?

I understand that it's just a silly Facebook quiz, but it's testing grammar, which the maker very obviously doesn't know. I can also understand that people make mistakes. I make mistakes, that's for sure! The difference is that I KNOW it, and try my best to use it.. They seriously think it's proper grammar. This is extremely upsetting to me! What have we come to?? Are we back to the cavemen days? Should we all just forget about proper speech and go back to grunting and drawing pictures on walls to communicate? This is ridiculous.

Now, I don't mean to say that we are all a bunch of hillbillies- We aren't. I'm a cluts. I've fallen down stair more times than you could imagine! But guess what? I know how to walk. I know how to effectively get down a flight of stairs. I mess up, but I do my best. Also, I don't always play my instruments perfectly.. Yet I know how. I've taken probably at least hundreds of hours working on it. It's something very important for me, so I've taken the time to learn it. Communication is naturally an important piece of everyone's life- Please, take the time to learn it!

"Our Modern Day Geniuses"

This one, I don't even want to talk about. This cat claims to have proper English skills, but in the few sentences written, it already displays the ignorance of mankind. It's missing the comma between "numbered," and "humans."
Our days are not numbered humans. They are numbered, and the sentence is directed toward humans. Grr! In simply trying to find an image displaying proper English, I've only run across the opposite. Yet another example of our civilization going down the drain...

That is all.

......................

**Please, warn your children about the dangers
of improper grammar. The number of grammar related deaths,
this past year alone, has been skyrocketing.

Don't become a statistic.

Teach your family. Teach your children. Save a life.
Together, we CAN make a difference!

Jacksonian!

2010-03-28T00:18:00.002-06:00

This is my cousin's son, Jackson- Or, as I like to call him, Jacksonian. He's currently in Preschool. Oh, did I mention he's a GENIUS? He's at at about an end-of-first-grade reading level- and I'd say about mid first grade math level. I was seriously blown away by him! Anyway, I thought I'd share this. Don't forget to scroll to the bottom of this page and turn off the music so you can hear him!

Sara

2010-03-26T00:36:00.002-06:00

I was recently told by my cousin, Sara, that her life was lacking fulfillment because of my lack of blogging lately (Okay, so maybe you just said you get bored not having more to read... but I like my wording better!), so I decided to make a new post. Of what, you ask? I have no idea. I'm too lazy to actually write about something meaningful, so I'm not going to. Plus I'm too off-of-my-meds to be able to think straight, so anything other than nonsense would just be.. Well, nonsensical! Soo.. This nonsense is for you.

A frog, chillaxin' on a lily pad.

An Apple-Butter-Fly.

a pear, made of various fruits.

...And this.

2010-03-16T01:39:00.000-06:00

Simply too amazingly AWESOME to pass up! Yes. It's epic, I know. :)

<3 Mel

ASL :)

2010-03-04T03:05:00.005-07:00

(Please turn off the music at the bottom of this page to listen!) :)

Letter of Hope

2010-02-21T20:57:00.010-07:00

This is my letter of hope- It's a letter we write to the present and future girls at CFC when we are leaving the Center. I just thought I'd share mine:

When I first began my journey at the Center, I was terrified, to say the least. I was afraid that they'd take away the only life I knew. I was afraid of failing. I was afraid of succeeding. I was afraid of the unknown.. And most of all, I was afraid that I'd never find myself again- that my soul had already died, and even if I tried my hardest, I'd still be powerless against this monster.

This is one of the things I had to learn for myself. Over time, I've come to realize that though sometimes it feels as if our very entity is wasting away, our souls are still stronger than we think. The worth and importance of us- of you, of your soul, is immeasurable.
And so it never dies.

When I look at each one of you, I see a perfect world shining your eyes. I only wish you could see it in yourselves, as well. If we only find the love within ourselves, then anywhere we go, we're home. Though sometimes it seems impossible to imagine, we CAN get through the darkness and find our way. Love will find a way. Happiness will find a way. Hope will find a way.

So, if you aren't happy with the direction you're going in, change the direction you're going in. If things aren't going the way you want, fight for the change you do want.

You are the one in charge of your own destiny. It's up to you to make the things happen in your life that you want to have happen. Happiness is found from within yourself and those choices that you make.

I've personally learned that if you aren't sure what to do, the best thing to do is to get down on your knees and ask for help. Your higher power is always there and willing to help, as long as you are willing to let him. (or her!)

It's tough, but with patience and a willingness to work, the pain will ease. I know each of us has endured many seemingly unfair trials and given more pain than we feel it possible to handle in our lives- but each one of us has remained standing strong through the storm. We don't always understand the why's, but with time- and if we are willing- we can learn from each one. If we choose to learn from those and hold on to those fond memories of the happy times in life, life will once again be all you can imagine and MORE.

So, if you're going to doubt something, doubt your limits.. Because you are truly limitless.

I have confidence in all of you and your capabilities, and I hope you can, too.

As I finish writing this, I realize that it's a bit scattered.. and that's okay. We aren't striving for perfection.. Just for love and hope that it will get better.

And it will.

♥ Mary Lynn Bennett

Center For Change!

2010-02-08T01:52:00.001-07:00

So here it goes.. I replied to someone on a message board who was asking questions about the center, so I figured I'd post it here to let you know more about it!
So I'm answering questions here.. Stay with me! Loves!

I'm not sure exactly how many beds are on the units.. Maybe16 On IP? 16-20 on RTC? That's just my guess though. I just got out Jan 21st, so I'm trying to remember the # of rooms by counting in my head.. lol :)

I believe they have 6-12 IOP/Day treatment patients at a time, though I could be wrong. We didn't really work with them, just exchanged pleasantries in passing.

They have a lot of outings there. You can't go on phase 1, but once you get to phase 2 (Which takes a minimum of two weeks to get to), you get to go on an outing on Fridays and Saturdays- as well as church on Sundays if you want to. There are like 6 churches you can go to- but only one a week. So like one week it'll be catholic, the next week Methodist.. Etc.

When you reach phase two, you also go on a lunch outing with your dietitian- which is always a highlight! You get to choose anywhere you want and don't have to pay. It's great :) lol

Once you get to RTC, you get to on on outings Wednesdays and twice on Saturdays. If you want, you can also go to courage reins on Tuesday mornings- That's where you go and help physically disabled 2-3 year olds ride on horses!! It's SUCH an amazing experience.

When you get to phase 3 (On RTC), every other Monday you have the opportunity to go on the social outing- A bunch of you guys get to go shopping at the mall or wherever you guys want and get to go out to lunch together. It's so great!

There is also cooking class every Monday. It's pretty much genius.

The transitional is great- though I never had the opportunity to go through it. Some of the groups are w/ RTC girls, some aren't. It just all depends! They have a LOT more freedom and they are trusted. They also make their own meals more often, it's pretty helpful (So I hear!). I can't explain all that much about it though, as I never experienced that part.

When you are on Plated/100% you have to eat all of what you are GIVEN. You can't choose- though you can get extras if you wish. Then you get on Family Style, and you can serve yourself- but it has to be the first option. You can choose your sides and everything, but you still have to eat 100% of what you take. Then comes Advanced Family Style, where you can choose whatever you want- but still have to eat 100% of what you plate yourself.

After that comes intuitive- where you can get whatever you want, and eat until you feel satisfied. Of course they still record everything you eat, and your dietitian can take you off of intuitive if you aren't eating enough.

They do feeding tubes if you refuse boost twice. You can't really refuse the tube. They are very strict and make sure you get the best care you can and can actually recover. It's tough, but it works. If you are refusing medical treatment (the tube), they'll send you to the hospital or something. They can't be liable for you if you refuse medical treatment, ya know? Tough love- but you'll be grateful.

They deal with a lot of medical complications- after all, it's an EATING DISORDER clinic! Haha :)
What kind of medical complications do you mean? We had a girl with a brain tumor, I have epilepsy, a lot of girls have heart problems, I think one had diabetes.. And lactose-intolerance... There's prob. ore- so what kind of complications do you mean, if I may ask?

The therapy doesn't revolve around food at all. You and your dietitian work on food stuff together.. You and your therapist actually work on the real problems. The Eating Disorder is but a symptom. They help you recover from the actual problem- helping majorly to dissolve the Eating Disorder in doing so.

It's tough- you have to do actual work. But everyone is SO amazing there! You'll feel like you're home after being there for only a short time. It's such a soft and comforting environment. It truly is a place for hope and healing.The staff there is amazing, so tremendously helpful. They truly do care about you as an individual- as YOU.

..Anything else? I'd be glad to help in any way!!

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?page=4&aid=-3&id=535104808#!/group.php?gid=266367132319&ref=ts

www.centerforchange.com

The adventures of a girl in treatment

2010-02-04T22:31:00.002-07:00

Guess who's finally back from CFC?
Yep- ME! Welcome home, Mary Lynn!!

So the Center was the most difficult experience of my life. I was pushed past my limits in almost every way imaginable- and broke down hysterically crying too many times to count.. I felt as if the world was going to end at points and was ready to throw in the towel. It was truly HELL at points.

The center was also the most wonderful & beneficial experience of my life. I have grown in so many ways- more than I thought imaginable! I feel like a brand new person. A healthy- and HAPPY Mary Lynn. The TRUE me. I have the world in front of me! I'm finally ready to truly LIVE!! Life is good to me. I'm ready for this.. BRING IT ON.

The Center for Change!!!!! AH!!! :D

2009-10-22T08:30:00.007-06:00

I'm headed into CFC ED treatment center TODAY!! It's about time, we've been trying to get me in there for THREE YEARS!! I'm so excited for this amazing opportunity!! To be honest, I'm also QUITE scared.. But if I believe I can do it, I can! And I know I can! I'll be there for a few months:) Snail mail is our friend, so if you wanna write me (And I know you DO!) ♥

"Center for Change-
Mary Lynn Bennett,
1790 North State Street,
Orem, Utah 84057"

http://www.centerforchange.com/

(Or just click the title of this post and it'll take you to the CFC website!)

Center For Change

2009-08-20T14:15:00.002-06:00

I've been slipping.

..Okay, so tumbling down the mountain is more like it.

I thought I was doing pretty well, but apparently I've lost a very significant amount of weight this week, so now I'm at a lower weight than I was when I first started seeing my dietitian. I'm not going to share what it is with you, because frankly, I don't know it. Nor do I wish to.

I've actually been eating pretty well the past few weeks, much better than I ever have. I think my body is freaking because it isn't used to food yet. Nine years of minimal food intake & purging'll do that to ya. MY bad.
And yes. I said purging'll. :D

Anyway- I HAVE been going downhill. Since I've been losing weight, I've noticed being more and more "spaced out". I'm loosing my attention span again and forgetting things more often. My body is using up more energy than it's apparently getting, and my brain functioning is a little down. I'm starting to feel more and more hopeless. I'm crashing. Prep the burn unit.

Granted, I'm still mentally in a much better place than I have been in the whole nine years of this eating disorder. I'm trying to stay here as long as I can, but this mountain is a bit too steep for me right now. I need someone's hand to help me up, give me a boost. (Not the drink- those are nasty!)

My Tx and I have decided upon inpatient/residential treatment. (For those of you out of the loop, Tx means Treatment team). Last Friday I had the amazing opportunity to go to a workshop at the Center for Change in Orem, UT. Jenni Schaefer was one of the speakers- she's my favorite! She's an author & singer/songwriter. She wrote my favorite book- "Life Without Ed"- which I've mentioned before. Go get it.
And she's an amazing singer. Her voice just fills your heart with hope!!

But I digress. While we were there, Alex and I chose to go on a tour of the place. We were able to see everything, it seems like a really great place. I talked to an amazing admissions coordinator, Janet, and we spoke about payment options. I'm still hoping we can get all that worked out, and my whole family is definitely in debt right now. CFC has a contract with the LDS church though, we're hoping to get me in through that.

It scares me to think about four and a half months away from my family, friends, and home. It scares me to think about having to eat there, and not being able to purge. It scares me that it's so strict and there are so many rules. I know it's going to be very hard- It's going to be hell sometimes. And joyous sometimes. And I especially know that it all depends on ME. A treatment center can't help me if I'm not willing to help MYSELF. I need to get my butt into gear and put in my all! And I will. Starting NOW.

It also excites me to have this great opportunity for treatment! It excites me that I can live a life without ED! It excites me to know all the things I will learn and be able to take into my life. It excites me that I'll finally be able to truly LIVE!!

It's all still up in the air. But if I get in, and hopefully I will, please visit me. It's scary to be there all by yourself. Granted, there will be a lot of other girls- but I want YOU GUYS. Or write me? Or call? (IDK if we have phone privileges..)

I love you guys. And I'm scared.

Happy & Proud!

2009-08-15T23:15:00.004-06:00

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while, I just never felt the moment was right to write.

First off are my medical updates:

I've finally been diagnosed with Epilepsy. If it's not one thing, it's another. It DOES explain a LOT though!! I hate this though. I'm not allowed to take baths- If I have an epileptic episode, I'll quickly breath in the water and die. I HATE showers. I always take baths. I think it's a family thing- my big sis Leelou will only take baths, as well as my father. I've still been taking baths. I know it's very dangerous, and it scares me very much- but I just can't do showers- they freak me out.

Also, I'm not allowed to drive within three months of having an epileptic episode. What am I supposed to do without a car?!!? It's okay, I'll drive anyway.
However, it scares me to death every time I drive now. I'm in this panic state, it's awful even thinking about it.

I've recently had the great opportunity to start meeting with a great dietitian, Elena. She's been helping me SO much!! She even got me in to see a psychologist named Wendy. Both Elena and Wendy are Eating Disorder specialists. I'm also going to continue seeing my Social Worker, Miriam and my great doctor (who also specializes in EDs), Lesli. I finally have my support team in place!! Not to mention Alesia, my Psychiatrist. And my Alex! He is SO supportive and helpful! I finally feel like I can do this. I can conquer this time!! 18th time's a charm, right? ha
I've been doing so well in recovery, despite everything that's coming my way! I'm actually proud of myself. I've never liked myself enough to be proud. I can always do better, there's no reason to be proud of myself for being second rate.

I'm not second rate. I'm Mary Lynn. I'm whoever I wish to be. I'm not second rate.
And you know what? For the first time in a LONG time, I'm proud of myself.
I can do this.

You'd BETTER.. ;)

2009-08-11T10:57:00.011-06:00

It's long overdue, but here's a video thin I put together of when Alex and I went to see the American Idol Live Tour! ..And you'd better watch it, I just took hours putting this together for you!! And you'll easily be able to tell- Danny Gokey is my FAVORITE!

(A few of the clips are from someone else's camera- for different views:D )

The video isn't working, so just click on the title of this post.

:D

We had a blast!!

Don't ask.. ;)

2009-07-30T11:07:00.008-06:00

In a previous post I mentioned how I was very upset about my little pink card holder being stolen at a health fair where my JT girls performed. My mother had given it to me for my nineteenth birthday, and my initials were engraved on it. I loved it, and it was seemingly lost forever. Well a few weeks ago, I got a voice mail from the SouthTowne Mall Security, stating they had a small 'purse' belonging to a MaryLynn Bennett, and that they've had it for a few month- if it wasn't picked up within ten days, the contents would be destroyed. OMG!!! I'm so bemused. I forget EVERYTHING! I left it at a store, probably Wet Seal. Haha, I rock at this. Anyway, I've reconnected to my beautiful Card holder!! I'm so happy! Thar' she blows!:

In other news, my kitty Alecia is HILARIOUS! She always has to be the center of attention. If we are trying to get something done, she will undoubtedly sit right in the middle of what you're doing. Its hard to play board games, because she decides that right in the middle of the game is the optimal place to sit and begin licking her butt. Good kitty. I have a couple examples of it for you:

Faith Anne was doing homework, and needed the rest of it from the bin.. Alecia had other plans.

And here we have Elisabeth drawing a large picture.. Or attempting to, at least!

She's definitely a hilarious kitty!

My next random thought- Sometimes I miss my beautiful long hair.

...But I still love it short!!!

I'm going to be late for my therapy appointment, better jet!!
I all too conveniently have a picture of my therapist and me on the desktop, so here we are:

Later!

Love!

2009-07-25T00:41:00.008-06:00

It's raining outside. Do you ever just want to go outside in the rain... and just lay there on the sidewalk? I do. Especially in the night, when it's only me and the world. It's so calming, so serene. It just makes me want to smile and breath the whole world in. It makes me stop and think about beauty- every kind. ...Which, as always, reminds me of part of a song.. "When you see, see the beauty- all around and in yourself". That's what I do in the rain. I see beauty.
I love rain.

Now on to reality- I've been feeling overwhelmed a bit. I'm ready to stop being sick now, thanks! Can't I catch a single break here? I mean COME ON. What genius was put in charge of my health and messed up so badly?? Okay, so some of that may or may not be my fault (ED-related), but the REST of it...

So I sit at home, doing nothing. Being nothing. No job. No school. No anything. I suppose it's a good thing I haven't had a job the past few months, since I've been so sick and had so many doctors apts, I probably would've been fired by now. Still, I can't really feel like a good person if all I'm doing is sitting like a bump on a log, not contributing to our society. I want to do something now. I want to be someone.

I'm going for a great job right now though, hoping I have a chance of getting it. It's a phlebotomy job, and on the same week as Alex. I hope I get it so badly! I love drawing blood, I really want to do this. Also, I'm trying to get in the nursing program at SLCC! I've always wanted to be a nurse- I'd like to do pediatric oncology or be a psychiatric nurse. Eventually :)

In other news, I've been doing fairly well in this whole recovery thing. It's really amazing what a difference a dietitian can make! Seriously, she's so great :)
I'm being a good kid and following our meal plan :) It gives me so much energy!!
I think a lot of the reason I'm doing so much better is my Alex. He's such an amazing support for me. He even comes to my apts with Elena (my dietitian) to help me out. He really is a great guy, I'm lucky to have him :)
We're a great match. I think we're going on five months, but you'd have to ask him. He's programmed it into his phone. CUTE, huh? Yep.

Last weekend I had a great time at Bear Lake. We (and by we, I mean Gary) have a cabin up in Bear Lake West. It's a huge one, three floors! It's placed perfectly on the mountain for an amazing view of the lake. Not too far from it, either. I was able to go up with my family- My big sis, her boyfriend/my step brother (Long story.. INCEST!! I swear I'm not related. It's disgusting),my younger bro (I have to say younger, because he's definitely taller than I!), my 'younger' sis (Again.. Taller than I at only 14!), my (other) little sis, my freaking DAD (Who was here for a few days from Boston! Yeah!), My mother, Her BF Gary, My Best friend Ashley, And my boyfriend Alex. What a great part-ay!! It was so much fun- especially at the beach!! And it was a 4 hour road trip to (and from!) the cabin with just Alex, Ashley & me! Fun stuff :)

Here are a few pictures of our great adventures!
There are a good few, so bear with me!

On our way to the beach!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

Another taken on the way to the beach :)

We're in Idaho and Utah at the same time!! If we break the Idaho beach rules.. We'll just run back to Utah!!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

My lover boy and me. lol ;)

Leelou said to sexy it up. So we did ;)

And there they are, hanging at the beach
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

Venturing into the unknown..
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

It was cold! You can't make me get out! Alex was brave enough to.
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

Even mother got in for a bit :)

It wasn't the best sand in the world, but we managed..

My gorgeous younger sister.

My best friend, Ashley.

I think I did well. For clarification, those are shells covering!!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

"The couple from the black lagoon!"

His beard is in good form here.
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

My mother and eldest sister :)

My mamma is so beautiful!
*Click for the full picture.. It cuts off!*

My dad & siblings at the cabin

Our castle kingdom.

My model sis.

My dad and my mothers boyfriend :)

& Last, but not least- The family on a hike. I was feeling sick the whole weekend, so Alex stayed behind with me. Ashie took the picture :)

That's all, folks!! Leave comments, they make me happy ;)
hehe:)

Thank the heavens for health insurance...

2009-06-25T23:06:00.006-06:00

I went to see my MD today. I originally made an apt for July 9th- the soonest she had available. Then yesterday I got a call from her office- She wanted to see me the very next day. So I set up an apt for the next day- this morning.

Now usually I have to wait forever to be called back from the waiting room (Seriously- it was over an hour last time!). Not this time though! Within five minutes my name was called. (& yes, I felt like a little school girl being chosen from the class:). Anyway, we started with the usual- Temperature, vitals, getting in a gown to check my weight (I know- how dare they not trust me to not mischievously hide heavy things in my pockets & bra or put sand in my shoes so I appear to have gained weight? I've only done that like THREE times!). :P

Anyway, after all of that shenanigans I usually have to wait another 20-30 minutes before Dr. Cooper finally graces me with her presence. Not this time! Oh boy, do I feel important. She came right in after I was dressed again. I know she has the results from my long & tedious 'MRI w/contrast' scan, so I figure she just wants to give me the results and get me outta there.. However, when she entered the room she looked overly concerned- making me even more suspicious that she had actually turned into a quick-moving alien-lizard-shape-shifter, who only wanted to see me so quickly so she could devour me. Wait.. Wrong story. Oh yes- I mean making me even more suspicious that something was seriously up. I soon realized something WAS indeed up. The doctor gave me some slightly less-than-ideal news:

I have something wrong in my head (Okay, we all already knew THAT one!).
What I mean to say, is that there's a very minuscule growth in there. Uh-oh.
I have to go in to the neurosurgery center at the U hospital to try to figure out if it's benign or malignant, if it's growing at all, and if it's causing pressure on my brain. I hope not, 'cause I like to think that I use that more times than not. Okay, maybe not THAT much, but I do use it once in a while! :P

Anyway.. My blood work came back less-than-ideal as well. There's like some chemical thing that's ridiculously high, and I have to see another specialist for that. Also, they're concerned about the seizure activity in my brain (I know, again with this darn brain!), so I have to have even MORE tests for that. So I'm getting to be put through test after test for the next few months. I'm so excited!! Or not. I'm pretty sure I have the right to say that- THIS. SUCKS. I'm pretending to not be a little frightened about this, and I'd like to think I'm doing a good job at it. But what do I know, my brain is on the fritz.

In conclusion, I'd like to thank the following for making this all possible:
God, for giving me a seizure/blackout causing a car accident w/head injury, making them initially scan my brain. Also, for my Eating Disorder (As much as I hate it), for making me be already seeing a great doctor regularly who wanted to look further into my brain to make sure everything was alright, and who ordered a brain MRI with contrast, revealing the brain stuff- and for stealing my precious blood, only to find out it's damaged goods. & Last (but certainly not least!), for my friend BJ, who gave me a blessing right before the accident- setting all of this in motion. Thanks, BJ!

The only thing I have to say is..
Thank God for health insurance.

Oh yeah, and a friend of mine sent me this song. I absolutely love it, and wanted to share it with you. (& turn the blog music off at the bottom of the page!)
Love you.

Life: Roller Coaster Style.

2009-06-07T23:05:00.006-06:00

So heres the deal: I've been uber stressed lately. The whole no-weight-loss-methods thing is very hard for me. I've depended on them so heavily for so many years. It's almost like a druggie stopping taking their drug of choice. Okay, maybe it's not THAT bad, as mine aren't actually physically addicting.. But they're MENTALLY addicting. It's SO HARD to not have those to turn to when I need to. I've definitely been freaking out from that- but still haven't gotten any more or taken any since I rid of them! I did find a piece of weight loss gum that had slipped away.. And right when I needed gum, too. I was leaving the house and in desperate need of gum, and it was just sitting there. Waiting for me to take it and release the precious weight loss meds into my body as I chew my minty love.. I took it out of the package.. Then got SO frustrated with myself- RAN out to the big dumpster and chucked it right in there. Stupid gum..
Anyway, STRESS. Like no other.

Now, I'm seeing my new dietitian. Whom I love. She's so great- she's the same one I saw all seven(?) times I've been inpatient at uni. she helped me out so much, I feel so lucky to be able to work with her. BUT (There's always a but!) she pushes my limits. A LOT. Too much. It's SO HARD to follow her meal plan! I have to have TWO servings of fruit, TWO servings of dairy, TWENTY almonds, AND a multivitamin. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. Like, as in, all of that in ONE DAY. I've been keeping up with it, but not without- FREAKING. OUT. Seriously, it's AWFUL. I feel like I'm going to die. This food is going to kill me. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but I'm just not handling all of this very well. I seriously have this unrealistic belief that this food is going to kill me. I don't want ANYTHING in my body. NOTHING, please! However, that is even MORE unrealistic (or so I've been told). So my stomach has been killing me. It isn't used to all of this food. It's being stretched and it HURTS. LIKE. *%$#&?$%. SERIOUSLY. OWW.

Now Elena (Dietitian) won't let me weigh myself either. It isn't unusual for me to wake up in a panic in the middle of the night because I need to weigh myself. I usually weigh myself multiple times a day, but Elena won't let me do it even ONCE! I broke my scale anyway.. but my mother still has one. It like to taunt me when I go downstairs. It's truly an EVIL scale. Of. The. Devil. Not being able to weigh myself is a HUGE deal for me. SO STRESSFUL!!

Now, on Thursday I had this big interview I was totally freaking out about, right? My friend BJ offered to give me a blessing before the interview because I was SO. SCARED. I want this job so badly, and I just couldn't get over my nerves! My Alex was going to let me practice drawing blood on him right before the interview as well, so I could feel more confident about it. So I leave BJs house after he gives me an amazing blessing. I'm driving, and I suddenly feel really weird.. Next thing I know, glass is shattering in on me. The car door is smashing against my arm. I HAVE NO IDEA WHATS HAPPENING. I'M SO SCARED. After a little while, I noticed the car had stopped. After sitting there WHO KNOWS how long, I realize I need to put the car in park. I can't think straight. I feel confused. And terrified. After sitting there for- again- WHO KNOWS how long, I grab my cell. I try to call BJ. I don't have his number in my new phone. I call my friend Cindy, BJs mom. No answer. I call my Alex. FINALLY an answer. I don't know what to say. "I just got in a car crash. I'm scared. Call the interview people. PLEASE. Call the interview people. Bye." I never even thought to call for help. I was just so confused.. and my head hurt so bad. My phone is ringing- It's Cindy. THANK. GOD. I tell her I just crashed. By the church by their house. GET. BJ.
I sat there, unable to think. I couldn't quite comprehend what was happening.. I felt blood rushing down from my head. I think nothing of it. BJ arrived quickly. He tried to open my car door. It wont open. It's smashed beyond smashed. I just sit there. Staring. At nothing. Not thinking. Just sitting. Terrified.

Another lady and a child are suddenly there. She keeps asking me stupid questions. I just wanted to sleep. She kept telling me to keep eye contact with her and NOT close my eyes. I don't know how I did, I just remember I was upset. Stop bothering me, I'm trying to go to sleep! Seriously.. Suddenly there's a neck brace on me. Where did that come from? I have no idea. I'm being put on a hard board. Strapped in. I can't move. They're taking me away. My back hurts. I'm laying on mass amounts of sharp glass. My head hurts and there's blood getting in my eye. I think. I'm not sure, I'm so confused. They just wouldn't let me sleep. I want to tell them to fix it, but I suddenly can't remember how to tell them that. I ask for BJ. I'm scared. Why did he leave?

I realize I'm suddenly in a hospital room. I'm being moved from the hard board to a soft hospital bed. I like this. I tell the doctor I want BJ. He pages the front and BJ was in my room within minutes. I'm not as scared. I'm not as confused. I was in a car accident. But how? They take my vitals and put me on oxygen. BJ says I should call my mom. I agree. I find the number in my phone, but promptly give the phone to him. No answer. I remember the Elementary's number, and dial it. Then give the phone back to BJ. I tell to ask for Sheri Bennett and tell them her daughter's been in a car accident (Or else they'll just say she's in school right now, you can't talk to her). After speaking with her, he hangs up. Someone comes in and takes me to get some sort of brain scan. CAT scan perhaps? I don't know.

Cindy gets off work and comes to the ER with us. I'm feeling more myself-like. The nurse/doctor/dude comes in to take my blood. I ask to take it myself. To all of our surprise (& after assuring him I'm a certified phlebotomist), he allowed me to do it myself. I did it like a pro. No problem. SWEET.

I think BJ got overly embarrassed when they were sticking the heart monitors on me. It was funny. They wash the blood from my forehead to find that it's actually not too bad. GOOD! At some point my mother, Gary, and Faith Anne show up. I'm happy to see them, not feeling so alone. Then Alex shows up. I feel so loved. So motivated. So happy so many people care about me. <3The doctor proceeded to inject morphine and some other thing into my IV line.. Ahh. And the loopyness (Yes. New word.) returns! I think I was quite interesting at that point.. haha :)Anyway.. apparently I had a stress related seizure whilst driving.. Oops. I need to stop being so STRESSED about everything!! Luckily no other cars were involved!! The doctor kindly wrote it up as an isolated incident, so I get to keep my license. THANK YOU!I'm so stressed I missed that interview. Have to reschedule a new one. NNOOO!!! And I totaled our only car. And my head hasn't stopped hurting since then. Luckily it's only mild, and Tylenol has become my new best friend. And I'm still uber stressed about the first things I talked about. Awesome. MORE stress. Just what I need!!I'm happier and more energetic with the food in my body.. Sadly, that has no effect on my massive amounts of stress. Darn. I hope I can keep this up. I'm tough. I can do this. Fall down seven times- Stand up EIGHT.

..And for the grand finale..
I call this one "Mary Lynn with a head injury and on butloads of morphine"

"Going to" being the operative word..

2009-05-30T14:27:00.003-06:00

Today was going to be a boring day. One of those days where there's nothing to do but sit around in the heat, wishing your cooler would work properly, and wishing you CAR cooling would work at ALL. With no one home but your youngest sister watching cartoons all day, so you can't leave if you even had anything to do. Which you don't. And everyone else in the family are currently spread out in other states- Massachusetts, New Hampshire, & Idaho to be exact. Yeah- it's one of THOSE days. Plus I forgot to take my anti-bipolar anti-depressant, and anti-anxiety meds before falling into my unrestful slumber last night.Needless to say, I was prepared for the worst today.Figured I'd do some cleaning- but I deep cleaned like EVERYTHING last week. Nothing left really. So I'm switching off playing piano and my guitar, figuring I'll just have a quiet relaxing "me" day. After all, I've been being bugged about just having a Mary Lynn day for quite a while. Today's as good a day as any!

So there I am, hangin' out in my loftage & strumming on my guitar.. When BAANG!! BANG!! BAANG!! I hear three loud gunshots. Within no time, ambulances, police, and fire trucks arrive outside. SOMETHING'S going on.. Something exciting! No news reporters there though.. so I'm thinking maybe suicidal people? Only IDK how they would get THREE shots off. That sounds unlikely. Hmm. I must figure this out! And to think I thought today would be boring!
and props to the ice cream man for his PERFECT timing. All the kids left their saturday cartoons & whatnot to see the big cool fire trucks and "police monsters". I think that ice cream man tripled his profits for the day from that. Kudos to you, Mr. Ice cream. KUDOS. TO. YOU.

Now THIS is why I love Magna. Never a dull moment. :)

My girls.

2009-05-14T23:55:00.004-06:00

As you may or may not know, I coach an elementary jump rope team. Yes, you read right. I coach JUMP ROPE. It's actually a pretty amazing job. I LOVE IT.
Anyway, they just had their last performance of the year. I wanted to share with you what I do, and the final result.
Here is a short video of a select few. The three girls in green are on my team, the one in red is my sister Faith Anne (who is on the other team).
Be sure you have speakers or it's not even HALF as cool. ;)

This started filming too soon, so the routine actually starts 30 seconds in.
Give it a sec to load for best quality!

Also- after the video is finished, there should be some thumbnails on the little screen. Feel free to click them and watch us perform other routines!

At least it was eventful?

2009-05-06T03:10:00.004-06:00

SO, as I may or may not have told you (probably the latter), My jump team kids were in a parade and performed at the Health fair on Saturday... Well, they were SUPPOSED to be in a parade.. but we got rained out. SO sad, since we've been working on two routines especially for the parade and the parade alone for quite some time. Luckily, I think they were more happy about not having to jump rope in a parade in the rain and less sad about not getting to perform the parade routines. :)

That was the LEAST of my worries. After my kids performed, I was talking with Kiera and these girls came up asking if we'd give them a dollar for some charitable health thing (or something of the sort). So I go back to the room we had been given for jump team to set up & practice in to get a dollar from my cute little pink wallet I keep in my purse, right?
WRONG. It's not there!! My purse was OPEN, and my wallet nowhere to be found. I've been wallet jacked. No worries though. It only had my debit card, my MOTHER'S debit card, my insurance card, my ID, my Drivers License, my Thespian card, my social security card, my old high school student cards, and my sister's safe children card. It's not like anything IMPORTANT was in there..
Yeah. HOLY CRAP. I'M. GOING. TO. DIE.

In other, equally interesting, but less important-to-Mary Lynn- news, I went to my doctor today. BAD idea. Doctors are NEVER up to any good. The ninja-quick "I'll-die-before-I'll-let-you-see-your-weight" MA wasn't there to bother me. I got a nice one who seemed to not realize the reason I was there. I, being the polite person we all know I am, didn't want to be rude and burst her bubble. Instead, I just stepped right on that scale without hesitation (A first for me, as I'm pretty good at putting up a long drawn-out fight), and she wrote it down & didn't think twice. No worries- I thought about it WAY more than twice, making up for her lack thereof. Again, just being a good person..
So that was, of course, freaking me out to no end. Not that I didn't weigh myself on four different scales at the lovely health fair or anything, but THIS one was going on RECORD. So I figure the worst is over, right? I go in the exam room, get my blood pressure done sitting, laying down, and standing up. Then I get an EKG. Two, actually. The MA left the room to ask Dr. VanHala if the results were acceptable- apparently they were not. After the second one, and finally an approval for the EKG results, the doctor finally came in. Wearing a wicked-cool duck mask (She's 8 months pregnant, so taking protective procedures against getting sick working in a doctors office). & if you're wondering- no, that had nothing to do with my story.

So continuing- She proceeds to ask me about how my ED has been doing, what new meds I'm on, if I ever saw a dietitian.. Ya know, the regular stuff. Then she feels my stomach to make sure nothing's going rotten in there, and listens to my happy healthy lungs. Then, of course, comes the listening to my heart. Now THIS she does for an unusually long time- listening, then rearranging, listening, rearranging. Finally, with a concerned look on her face, she re-checks my blood pressure, pulse, and heartbeat while I've been sitting, laying down, and standing for two minutes each. Hmm.. Fishy..

Finally, she sits me down to talk.. And informs me that my heart doesn't seem to be working very well at all. Just GREAT. The jerk. I'd rather just not know and keep going as if everything's going to be okay, ThankYouVeryMuch. Anyway, I had about a billion blood tests done, and now I have to wear a stupid 24-hour heart monitor. Oh, and I've been referred to a cardiologist to be seen 'asap'. Wicked. JERK.

Now, as a testament to the whole "when it rains, it pours"-
My cell phone is broken. As in BROKEN. Beyond compare. It won't even turn on, I feel like I've lost all contact with the outside world. Then I conveniently realized something else.. The cardiologist was supposed to contact me to tell me where to pick up my heart monitor (Which I'm SUPPOSED to be wearing at this moment) and set up my appointment. I have no idea who the cardiologist is. I have no idea where he or she works. I have no idea how to contact them. I would call my doctor, but I no longer have the number, as it was in my non-working phone. Plus, my doctor had the MA contact some other lady, who then took my EKG and medical info and electronically sent it to an unknown-to-me cardiology unit in an unknown-to-me hospital, where they reviewed the records and chose an appropriate cardiologist to take me on. How in the heck do I get through THAT chain? Hole E. Crap.
I called Tmobile, and apparently my coverage on the phone ran out two months ago. I have to buy a new one or I'm SOL. Only my debit card is gone. And my mother's debit card is gone. And I'm going to die now. Talk about a double whammy..

To make everything just THAT MUCH better, I'm driving home from therapy when.. BOOM!!! The car four cars in front of me BLOWS UP. I sh*t you not. BLEW THE HECK RIGHT UP. Exploded. Spontaneously combusted. As in. POOF. BOOM. BANG. POW! Fire and everything. Well, maybe that really DID make things a bit better! I felt much more happy after that wicked AWESOME sight. Not that it was fun to witness- it was actually pretty terrifying and made me want to explode myself, thinking of the person(s) in that car.. But I believe the whole commotion of it raised my endorphin levels, making me more excitable. And terrified. I think at least one person died- there's no way someone could have survived that. So so so so sad.

Uhm.. And they all lived happily ever after (except for the ones who didn't).
The End.

Art Class

2009-04-16T11:15:00.003-06:00

This morning as I was driving my mother and youngest sister to school, we noticed a little something-something on our garage door...
Oh yes. You know what's coming.. We've been graffitied!
We used to be so proud that we've lived here for eleven years and are the only one of our neighbors that had never been graffitied. Darn... We lose.
It was a good run though, you've got to admit it. Our neighbors were all graffitied multiple times, so for us to skip out on it for so long.. Well, it was bound to happen.

Now for my REAL beef about it..
The graffiti sucks! It's not even cool looking. These guys SERIOUSLY need to take an ART CLASS or something. Their gang signs look so mundane without actual art. I'm contemplating challenging them by painting BETTER graffiti OVER it.. I'll show 'em how it's done! Psht.. Those pansies..
Here's their poor quality graffiti:

See? SO lame. They need to work on their skillz if they're ever going to go anywhere in that profession. SERIOUSLY.

Shinanigans. & Other stuff too. :)

2009-04-09T00:32:00.004-06:00

Firstly, I'd like you to pause for a moment and take a gander at THIS:

I know, it's a small poor quality picture of some weird piece of paper, right?
WRONG! That is a diploma stating that I, Mary Lynn Bennett, have officially graduated from USP and am now a Certified Phlebotomist in the State of Utah. OH YES. Take THAT.
:D

In other news, do you know this man?:

What? NO?? Well let me fill you in then.. This is Alex. The sweetest, most caring, most hilarious, most sensitive, most loving, most AMAZING guy you've ever not met. He's also my boyfriend (Sorry ladies!). Anyway, We've been dating for about a month, but I've known him for a year and a half. He really is such a great guy. And on Monday night, he told me he loved me for the first time. It wasn't one of those passing moments where you just say it to say it either. I had been having a rough time and started breaking out in tears despite my efforts to conceal my anguish. He just hugged me, said to just let it all out, and held me until I had. After I calmed down and we talked through it a bit, He paused- looked right into my eyes and said
"Mary Lynn?"
(me)"..Yeah?"
"I love you."
It totally just made my heart melt in two. I love this man.
I love my Alex.

I met the President!!!

2009-04-01T16:46:00.002-06:00

Next up on our list of crazies is LUCY. Lucy is a.. Fifty-something? Dare I say sixty-something? .. year old woman. Lucy is usually quite quiet and reserved. However, she definitely has her moments.
Med time, for example. EVERY time it's time for meds, she throws a fit. "No, I don't need any &^$%$ Meds! Doctor says I'm going home in an hour, don't need 'em anymore."
"Uhm.. Lucy, you're still on observation. You haven't even met with your doctor yet..."
"I know, but he just told me to not take my meds anymore because I'm going home in an hour. Bye guys, sorry."
..Yeah. Lucy wasn't going ANYWHERE. By the end of the fit, she always agrees to take them. "Since I'm leaving anyway.."
haha.

Also, Lucy has QUITE the resume. APPARENTLY, Lucy is:
President of the FBI.
President of the CIA.
Vice-President of the FBI
Vice-President of the CIA (Apparently the original vice-pres. weren't doing their jobs, so Lucy fired them and decided to do it herself. What a woman!)
President of the Food & Drug Administration
THE Las Vegas Comedian.
Elvis Presley's CURRENT seamstress. (That's right. He only died for a minute. The news forgot to cover that he came back alive again. Oops!) (Also, did I mention Hilary Clinton is apparently a clone? The real one died whilst her husband was in office! It's a good thing she didn't become our president... Can't have those darn clone-presidents running everything.. Not AGAIN...)
A Supreme Court Judge.
The MOTHER of a supreme court judge.
The old governor of UTAH.
When she was ONE year old, she was adopted into the US, and had to SUPPORT her family. ..So she went to work! She bacame a cowgirl, training horses for a living. YES. At ONE year old. I know. AMAZING.
THEN, as a '1-2' yr. old, she got a job at the local convenience store. Sadly, the owner didn't know how to manage a business.. But luckily, this great one year old he hired DOES! Being the kind person we all know she is, she decided to teach him how. (I know. GENEROUS.)
Then she noticed in order to get around in their cars, people needed gas.. So she built a gas station next door and single-handedly installed those gas pumps.
AND THAT'S HOW GAS CAME TO AMERICA.

If THAT doesn't make lucy meet the criteria for my most interesting people, I don't know what does!
Plus, she has a wicked awesome wannabe 'stache-beard. ..And you thought only MEN grew facial hair!

Now, for the grand finale:
Lucy is also... You heard it...
The CURRENT PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
That's right. Obama is a cover-up for her. Isn't that kind of him to do for her??
I thought so, too.

The Funniest People I've Ever Met. (Part 2)

2009-03-30T11:27:00.002-06:00

Next up, we have Flora! Okay, so I can't actually remember her name (Bad Mary Lynn!), but I'm sure it's something like that. Flora makes a good old person name anyway.
SO- Flora. Flora is a sixty-something year old woman. My first rommie, actually. At first glance, there's really nothing wrong with Flora, aside from being a bit old and forgetful. At second glance, there's really nothing wrong with Flora. At third glance, ..Well, you get the picture. So what in the world is wrong with Flora? Well, I'm sure there are lots of things. After all, they don't put you in there unless you are crazy or trying to kill yourself (Whether that be suicide, drug addictions, or Eating Disorder). .. So why is she there? Well, I did finally figure out one reason. Flora has a strong english accent. -A very cute one at that! The only problem is.. She's from Boston. Born & raised. Are her parents from England? No. Relatives? No. Friends? No.
ANYONE??
Nope. She definitely should not have an english accent. ..And she seemed a bit confused when asked where she grew up, etc. HA! Poor Flora. Poor. HILARIOUS. Flora.

More Later. Again. I need to pack- We're leaving to Boston in the morning, and I haven't even begun! Oops.

The Funniest People I've Ever Met. (Part 1)

2009-03-28T15:34:00.005-06:00

I said I'd write about the... 'interesting'.. people I met IP, so here goes:
(I'm only going to put a few, as I'm a bit crunched on time. More later.)

First off, we have 'JohnDowers'. His first name is John, Last name 'Dowers' (Last name has been changed for obvious privacy reasons). We weren't supposed to say last names, but he just never got it. ..

John: "Hi, I'm JohnDowers. You're MaryLou?"
Mary Lynn: "It's Mary Lynn.. And remember we aren't supposed to use last names, John."
John: "Not John. JohnDowers."
Mary Lynn: "I know, But we are supposed to keep last names to ourselves, remember?"
John: "Alright. Just call me Mr. Dowers then."
Mary Lynn: "That's still your last name"
John: "Okay, just call me John then. Thanks for reminding me, MaryEllen."
Mary Lynn: "You're welcome, John."
John: "The name's JohnDowers."

John is a fifty-something year old alcoholic with.. SOME kind of mental fluke. It's hard to tell which one with some folks. When he first came in, he was drunk (Or so we suspected). I meet him walking from my room to the day room.
John: (Looking me up & down) "You're lookin' sharp. Yes sir, very sharp. I wish you were my wife. I'm already married though, sorry it can't happen. ..Very sharp, very sharp. You should be my wife. What's your name?"
Mary Lynn: "Uhh.. It's Mary Lynn. What was yours?"
John: "JohnDowers. Nice to meet you, MaryBeth."
*A psych Tech walks up, noticing how uncomfortable I am with him talking to me*
Simon: "Hi John. I'm Simon, I'm one of the psych techs tonight."
John: "I'm JohnDowers. This is my wife MaryAnne."
Simon: "Oh? I don't think Mary LYNN is married though."
John. : "She's not, she's my wife."
Simon: "Oooooohh..."
..Right. Talk about hilarious! (And moderately horrifying..)

Next up, we have Clark. More appropriately, we have Clark/Slayer/Annie/Brennan.
Oh yes, it's multiple personalities. Clark is a sweet kind of quiet eighteen year old boy. However, he switched to other people frequently.
Mary Lynn: "Hey Clark, how old are you?"
Clark: "Eighteen."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, okay. Can I talk to slayer?"
Clark: "Sure."
Slayer: "HELLO."
Mary Lynn: Hey. How old are ya, bro?"
Slayer: " ..INFINITE."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, cool. That's pretty old, man."
Slayer: "YESSS. IT ISSS"
Mary Lynn: Hey, so can I talk to Annie?"
Slayer: "INDEED. Later, duuude."
Annie: "Oh, hi! How are you?"
Mary Lynn: "Hey Annie. I'm good, how about yourself?"
Annie: "I'm doing just fine, thank you for asking."
Mary Lynn: "Hey, so question- how old are you?"
Annie: "Hmm... Actually, I'm not quite sure."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, alright. Well can I talk to Brennan?"
Annie: "Oh, sure!"
Brennan: "Hey!!"
Mary Lynn: "Heya Brennan! Whatcha been up to?"
Brennan: "Nothing. Just.. Ya know, sitting here being bored and stuff."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe we can play a game later. Hey, can I ask you a question?"
Brennan: "Yep."
Mary Lynn: "How old are you?"
Brennan: "Oh. I'm nine and a half ALMOST ten!"
Mary Lynn: "That's exciting! When's your birthday?"
Brennen: "Uhm.. I can't really remember. Ask my mom."
Mary Lynn: "Oh, okay. Can I talk to Clark again?"
Brennan: "But I'm bored."
Mary Lynn:"Please?"
Brennan: "Okay..."
Clark: "Hey MaryLee."
Mary Lynn: "Hey Clark. Wanna do a puzzle?"
Clark: "Sure."

So there's 'JohnDowers' and Clark for ya.
Comment if you wish! :P
More later.

Happiness

2009-03-23T13:33:00.002-06:00

"What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals. And not to measure your life by what you’ve attained in terms of your desires but those small moments of integrity, compassion, rationality. because in the end, the only way that we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others. Fantasies have to be unrealistic, because the moment, the second that you get what you seek, you don’t, you can’t want it anymore. In order to exist, desire must have its objects perpetually absent. It’s not the ‘it’ that you want, it’s the fantasy of ‘it’. We are only truly happy when daydreaming about future happiness. This is why we say: the hunt is sweeter than the kill, or: be careful what you wish for - not because you’ll get it: because you’re doomed not to want it once you do. Living by your wants will never make you happy."

-Someone who is not me. :)

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.
(Chinese Proverb)

Glasses

2009-02-03T10:34:00.004-07:00

Aww, my baby sister got glasses. Isn't she just the cutest thing?? I think she looks chique.
(..Though I suppose my baby sister isn't a baby anymore! Oh no!)
Anyway, here's a picture of her and me the day she got her glasses (about a week ago).

(click the image to make it bigger if you so please.)

Oopsie-Daisy.

2009-01-25T18:54:00.004-07:00

Now this is what we call "CLUMSY", kids!

If you can't tell, I definitely dislocated my knee. Talk about OUCH.
..And now I'm stuck in THIS contraption for three weeks! Oh no!

Frustrations

2009-01-19T16:36:00.003-07:00

I hate that I can't ever depend on my father. Then when I mention anything about it, he gets all pissed off and starts calling me a liar, then usually hangs up on me. It just makes me so mad. I love him, I want desperately to be able to trust him. He is the funniest guy I've ever met, and a REALLY good person. He just isn't dependable. He gets all pissed at me and says I just announce to the world that he is undependable. I have NEVER done such a thing. Except for NOW. Now I am blogging about it, but you aren't the world. My blog is for me. I write how I feel, and this is how I feel.
Sometimes I just wish I could know him better- After all, he is my father.
But then sometimes I just wish I never have to see him again, never have to put up with his crap again, never have to be disappointed by a father who just won't come through.
I feel distraught right now. I feel distraught whenever I think of him.
I love him with all of my heart, I think he is amazing, fun, and hilarious- but I can't possibly respect a man whom I would have cut out of my life long ago if he weren't in my family. I can't fully respect a man who takes his children wherever he wishes as if money is not an issue, and tells his children stories of how he is really a great person and how nothing is ever his fault, makes promises of visiting more, taking his children places THEY want to go, getting them birthday or christmas presents- then goes back to his real life with his new wife at the other side of the country and forgets the promises he's made or twists them- and can't even pay child support so his old family can just get by.
I wonder if I even really know the guy. After all, I know I change when I'm around him. I try not to, but I just can't be myself when I'm around him. I'm not sure I know him anymore.
I suppose I'm wishing for a perfect father, but then again I suppose everyone wishes they had a perfect father.
I know, I'm complaining. For this I apologize.
I'm just overly frustrated at this moment. No, at every moment.
I just need to take a chill pill.
..But It still makes me sad to think about..

It's going to be alright after all.

2009-01-17T00:36:00.004-07:00

I am so blessed to be able to be in this beautiful world God has created for us.
This wonderful world in which we can smile, laugh, play, & cry tears of joy- in which we can mourn, cry, hurt, get lost & stuck- yet we don't lose sight of the truth that everything will be alright. Some time, somehow, some way- It's going to be alright. We will get through it. It may take longer than we want, it may be in a different way than we had hoped- but all in all..
It's going to be alright.

The Glory of Life

2009-01-17T00:11:00.000-07:00

I stole this from Shelly's Blog- Thanks, chika!

RULES:
1. Put Your iTunes/Windows Media Player/ETC on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Put this on your journal or blog or whatevs.

1) If someone says, "Is this okay?" you say: "Let it be. "
2) How would you describe yourself? "Hero" (Wow, I think highly of myself!)
3) What do you like in a girl/guy? "Homeless" (Well HOPEFULLY not!)
4) How do you feel today? "Ordinary Day." (That works well.)
5) What is your life's purpose? "Don't let the sun go down on me" (Interesting.. ish)
6) What is your motto? "Dream Big" (You KNOW it!)
7) What do you friends think of you? "Calling you"
8) What do you think of your parents?"Moments.." (Well.. They DO have their moments!)
9) What do you think about very often? "States & Capitals" (..because I have it on my ipod for some reason..) :D
10) What is 2+2? "Everything."
11) What do you think of your best friend? "God only cries for the living" (oh how sad!)
12) What do you think of the person you like? "A woman's heart" (hmm...man's maybe?)
13) What is your life story? "Battle" (And don't I KNOW it!)
14) What do you want to be when you grow up? "Child of Light" (Wow. Definitely.)
15) What do you think of when you see the person you like? "Kiss me" (how absurdly appropriate.. lol)
16) What will you dance to at your wedding? "Call Me When You're Sober" (Sounds like SOMEBODY is going to need some counseling..)
17) What will they play at your funeral? "Follow the light" (AAHA! That is the funniest thing I've heard all day!!)
18) What is your hobby/interest? "Relaxation" (Well I do like to be able to relax now and then..)
19) What is your biggest fear? "I miss you" (Well I guess I'm scared of loved ones dying?)
20) What is your biggest secret? "He Came for Me" (Aww, that shouldn't be a secret!)
21) What do you think of your friends? "Walk tall, you're a daughter of God" (Lots of church music- only the best!)
22) What song would you play during your first kiss? "Why do birds suddenly appear.." (that works.. ish.)
23) What will you post this as?"The Glory of Life"
(That's a good title.)

Dear God,

2009-01-06T15:29:00.004-07:00

Dear God,
I feel so alone.
I feel invisible.
Abandoned. Cold. Afraid.

Dear God,
I am lost.
I am confused.
I am in a tunnel of darkness.
And I do not see the light.
The light you promised me

Dear God,
I am frozen with fear.
I am paralyzed in my steps.
I am a girl who cries
When all the world wants to see is a smile

Dear God,
I feel numb. Listless. Unaware.
All warmth has fled
And I chill to the bone.
..I feel so utterly alone.

Dear God,
My heart aches for love
The love I lack so much.
I feel empty inside
--a wide gaping hole--
..a void that waits to be filled.

Dear God,
I want my friends back.
I want my life back.
I want myself back again.
--The girl I once knew--
..She has long been forgotten.

Dear God,
I need rescue.
Perhaps your rescue is best
I need to be recaptured by this wonderful thing called
--LIFE—-

Dear God,
take me by the hand.
Carry me on your shoulders.
I know I have become too weak to do this on my own.
I need a friend. Please, God; be my friend.

Dear God,
I am at a loss of words now.
There's not much else for me to say.
My thoughts and feelings..
They have evaporated me now..
I'm tired and sick
and sick and tired of being sick.

Dear God,
I feel alone.
Perhaps a gentle reminder
From you that I am not..
Is well-needed now

Dear God.
Please help me.

"Have mercy upon me, oh Lord God, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak...
...I am a dread to my friends---
--those on the street flee form me.
I am forgotten by them as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery, a broken vessel
For I hear the slander of many;
there is terror on every side.....
...But I trust in You, oh Lord;
Thou art my God
My times are in thy hands.."
---Psalm 31:9-15--
(excerpt)

What have you done in your life?

2008-12-30T05:46:00.006-07:00

This is a list of things I have done, haven't done, and possibly some day will do... The ones in Bold and Italic are the things that I have done. (My editor thing won't let me use colors!) I’d love to see your responses too, so join in! :)

1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning- (not that bad)
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa – (that would be sweet… I want to do some humanitarian aid there eventually)
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater - When I was little we saw Pocahontas. It was pretty rad. :P
55. Been in a movie -Do school movies count? haha
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business ..Does a lemonade stand count?
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar – no way!!
72. Pieced a quilt - (I helped..)
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle -When I was little.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book (I've been IN a book)
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating -HECK no.
88. Had chickenpox -When I was 3 mo. old!
89. Saved someone’s life - Maybe someday.
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Today

2008-12-19T14:32:00.002-07:00

My soul is crying today.
It's just so tired of fighting, it doesn't want to keep going anymore.
I can't blame it, though. I want to give up as well. My soul is running on empty, it has no fuel to keep it going, to keep it fighting for life. I would help it if I could- but alas, I have no fuel myself.
I think my soul should fade away soon, and I along with it.
I just wish I could help my little soul in need.

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

2008-12-02T09:48:00.005-07:00

"Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, the oldest living apostle of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, died at 11:30 p.m. Monday at the age of 91.

A press release from the LDS Church said Elder Wirthlin had gone to bed at his Salt Lake City home, and died peacefully of causes incident to age. His oldest daughter, Jane Wirthlin Parker, was present. A member of the family had been staying and caring for Elder Wirthlin, whose wife, Elisa Young Rogers Wirthlin, died two years ago.

The release said Elder Wirthlin had continued to work at his office right up until the Thanksgiving holiday. Funeral arrangements are pending.

Elder Wirthlin's last major public appearance was at the church's most recent semi-annual general conference in October, when he shared an address many church members have since used in lessons and as a guide in dealing with personal challenges. Titled "Come What May and Love It," he spoke of a challenge after his football team lost a tough game.

As he complained about the game to his mother, he received advice that he said had stayed with him all his life. "Joseph," she said, "come what may and love it." She had taught them to "trust in themselves and each other, not blame others for their misfortunes and give their best effort in everything they attempted."

"When we fell down, she expected us to pick ourselves up and get going again," he said. "In spite of discouragement and adversity, those who are happiest seem to have a way of learning from difficult times, becoming stronger, wiser and happier as a result."

He also spoke of death, saying "life will continue on the other side of the veil. There we will be given new opportunities. Not even death can take us from the eternal blessings promised by a loving Heavenly Father."

He reminded Latter-day Saints that top church leaders are not immune from challenges that members face. "There may be some who think that general authorities rarely experience pain, suffering or distress. If only that were true.The Lord in His wisdom does not shield anyone from grief or sadness."

Elder Wirthlin lost his wife, Elisa Young Rogers Wirthlin, on Aug. 16, 2006, when she died at age 87 of causes incident to age. He spoke of his heartache at the following general conference, but expressed confidence in eternal life and Jesus Christ's power over death.

He was born June 11, 1917 in Salt Lake City to Joseph L. and Madeline Bitner Wirthlin. From his own account, he was about seven years old when his lifelong commitment to the gospel took root.

"I was in a fast and testimony meeting when a humble brother bore his testimony. He spoke with such fervency that it electrified me to the point that I partook of his great spirit as to the truthfulness of the gospel." "

Excerpt from
Carrie A. Moore
Deseret News

I think our family is growing up!

2008-11-29T19:27:00.001-07:00

Stitched- Faith Anne style!

2008-11-28T13:40:00.005-07:00

So my little Faith Anne...
Poor, poor, Faith Anne...
I don't want to spoil her story, so here are a couple pictures taken about five minutes ago, and if you click on the title of this post, it will take you to Faith's blog.

Happy Thanksgivingities.. and all of that.. :)

2008-11-27T10:13:00.001-07:00

Hey, I just wanted to wish everyone a very happy thanksgiving!
You only have one Thanksgiving for 2008, and we never know what may happen during the course of a year- So make this one count!
Oh, and it HAS to be said- Try not to murder too many cute little innocent turkeys!!
( I know, I crack myself up.)

Also, I had a great birthday, which I may or may not write about if I ever decide I'm not too lazy to. But I WILL let you all know that I got a freaking GUITAR AMP!! YESS!!
Exactly what I wanted. :)

;) Have a good one!

PS- I have taken the liberty to make the title of this post link to a website you should check out really quick!
Loves all around!
♥ ♥ ♥

The Happy Ramblings of an Almost-19-Year-Old. :P

2008-11-13T10:15:00.002-07:00

I'm just a daughter of God, simply trying to live this life he's blessed me with to the fullest. Some days I'm just making it by with what I have, surviving, existing.. But then there are those days when I know there's a purpose to why I'm here. Quite random and fickle, I like to find smiles and giggles in even the smallest of things. Life is too short, sometimes I forget that.
I don't follow status quo or the 'normal', whatever 'normal' is.. Sometimes a wallflower, at times a social butterfly. I'll laugh and cry without notice. I love to feel love- For everyone and everything around me, and sometimes even for myself. I take each step of faith beside the one who loves me, my savior.
I'm just an average girl, grateful to be. I can talk and play and walk and write! I can help those around me, I can be an example, I can dance around my room, I can love and be loved, I can pray to my heart's content!
Friends have come and gone away, and I treasure the ones that have stuck by my side, on good days and on those days in the rain.
I know God's transforming me into that beautiful butterfly, because right now I'm just that fuzzy caterpillar, wrapped in it's comforting cocoon.
I'm the girl who thinks too much, and just needs to slow down and realize that everything will be okay
Because God cares..
Because
God is love.

Proposition 8..

2008-10-20T21:38:00.004-06:00

While I personally fully believe that marriage should be between a man and woman.. I don't think it's anyone else's place to say if two people love each other or not. They have a right to live how they believe just like everyone else does, just like WE do. How would you feel if most of the world believed in only same-sex marriages, and you were in love with and ready to marry someone of the opposite gender?
I know that I don't believe it's right. I know that a LOT of people, including the church, don't believe it's right.. But I also know that everyone should have a right to live what they believe, as long as it doesn't impose on anyone else's rights- which it's not.

Why is everyone, the WORLD, so set on making everyone live, look, act, and feel the same?
We are each unique individuals, not some kind of robots! We each have our own emotions, we each have our own beliefs- and we each have the right to have them.
Why must we impose on what other beliefs? Why must we make everyone uniform to what the world wants to see?

Just because some people don't believe the same as you and I, it doesn't mean they don't have a right to believe it. I don't know about you, but I live my beliefs. I believe in the church, and I live by it's standards. By doing so, I am not in any way imposing on others rights.
I believe it's the same way with gay people (For lack of a better term). They believe that it is okay to let themselves fall in love with whomever they will. They are not imposing on others rights. Should they not, then, be able to live as they believe?
They should not be denied a legal bond simply because we don't like it.
WHO CARES what we like?? It's not about US. It's about THEM, it's THEIR lives, not ours.

Alright, I guess that is all. Please let me know what your thoughts are on the subject though, I'd really like to hear them.

My BLOG is LOVED! (is YOURS?)

2008-10-03T00:22:00.005-06:00

I am so proud: I have been awarded the "I Love Your Blog" award by Jana AND Cherise!! So I get to try to answer these questions in one word. It will be very tricky, but don't worry...we'll get through this together.

1. Where is your cell phone? Lap

2. Where is your significant other? Canada ;)

3. Your hair color? Blonde

4. Your mother? Sleeping

5. Your father? Boston

6. Your favorite thing? Music

7. Your dream last night? Foggy..

8. Your dream/goal? Happiness.

9. The room you're in? Den

10. Your hobby? Instruments

11. Your fear? Failure

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mercury? :)

13. Where were you last night? Loft

14. What you're not? ED!

15. One of your wish-list items? Djembe

16. Where you grew up? Magna <3

17. The last thing you ate? Veggieburger

18. What are you wearing? Bracelets

19. Your TV? old

20. Your pet? Alecia!

21. Your computer? Mac

22. Your mood? Extreme

23. Missing someone? Forever

24. Your car? Black

25. Something you're not wearing? Bra

26. Favorite store? Kohls?

27. Your summer? Hot.

28. Love someone? Everyone.

29. Your favorite color? Orange!

30. When is the last time you laughed? tonight

31. Last time you cried? yesterday

I award the following 7 people with the "I love your blog award" and in so doing tag them to complete the above questions.

Lindsey- "Join me in the journey of finding my wings"
Shelly- "Random Musings"
KC Elaine- "Spilled Coffee"
Faith- "Rainy Days and Mondays"
Ashley- "You Like Ashley"
Katie- "Kate-thryn :)"
Eric- "Übergeek"
Sheryl- "Midnight Nurse"
Kristin- "My Moonstars"

(Alright, it's a few more than seven.. get over it.)

<3

Third Grade

2008-09-26T22:27:00.006-06:00

So I've been trying to organize this place a bit better within the past few weeks. Upon closer inspection of an unlabeled box, I found that it was full of written papers, pictures, certificates, and awards from my elementary school days.
I found one that I particularly like (after fifteen minutes of trying to decipher what it says). Just thought I'd share!
Here it is (and I'm keeping the off grammar, spelling, and random use of caps!)
It seems I was trying to figure out cursive writing, and didn't know how to do some letters in caps, and vice versa.. ;)
"
Mary Lynn
Very flexable, Shy, Helpful
Daughter of Sherie and Steven
lover of family, friends, and Cat's
who feels Happy, excited, and Scared
who needs Challenges, Sleep, and love.
who gives love, fun, and Understandindg
who fears Dogs, Small places, and People I now Dieing.
who hopes for money →Happiness, always Being a Kid, no Homelessnes
who enjoys going to Utah lake, Duck creek and SPending time wiTh My family
Resident of Magna, Utah
Bennett
"

His Love

2008-09-24T04:05:00.000-06:00

There's so much that I think
And so much that I feel
It's hard to understand
How all of this is real

A smile from every laugh
A frown from every tear
I don't know which I've benefited
From most this year

There've been nights that I have mourned
Nights that I have cried..
But the feelings I've felt,
These feelings deep inside

They remind me who I am
And remind me why I fight
For at the end of each dark tunnel
There is a light.

If I set aside my pain
And put aside my sorrow,
There's a lesson to be learned
Which will help with life tomorrow.

There's always a battle to be fought
And always a struggle to be won
But if we turn to the light..
We'll find The Son.

If we give Him our whole hearts
And reach with all our might
He'll embrace us in His arms
And forever hold us tight.

There's so much that I think
And so much that I feel
So I turn to He, who loves me
And know my happiness is real.

Now I know which I've benefited from most this year
It's the times that have been hard
The times that without Him
My life would have been left scarred

I know His love is real
I know His words are true
And if you turn to Him
He will gladly comfort you.

Setting things straight..

2008-09-21T22:51:00.002-06:00

It was brought to my attention that my last post (which I have now deleted) was bringing up some controversy. I just wanted to say I in no way meant to make my mother seem like the "bad guy".
My mother is a wonderful person and an amazing mother- and I love her very much.
I do not agree with the way she handles some situations, but people deal with situations in different manners. She is a mother, I am her daughter. Of COURSE we aren't going to agree on things! It's a fact of life :)

I was simply meaning to express my own feelings about a situation which I feel quite strongly about, not to impose negative speculation on anyone. For this, I apologize.

While my mother and I are very different people, she is definitely an amazing woman and mother.

I wouldn't trade her for the world.

Sleepless..

2008-09-20T05:27:00.001-06:00

I shiver beneath my blankets
I tighten them around me
My eyes closed tight
I cannot get to sleep
My mind refuses to stop thinking
My heart refuses to stop crying
I feel sick, as I often do
I am cold.. So very cold..
I feel it all throughout me
But my blankets are warm
And the heat's turned up
..Yet I still shiver here

Blog, Blog, Blog!

2008-09-12T20:11:00.004-06:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that Faith Anne (My youngest sister) now has her own blog! She is just starting out, but she would LOVE people to read and comment!
It is very cute.
Check it out:
FaithAnneBee.Blogspot.com

in other news, I just wanted to mention something funny that we noticed today..

You see, our calender ran out of pages. Yes, July was the last month it had!
So, being the creative folks we are, we made the cardboard back of the calender into the month of August.. Which worked GREAT until it was suddenly September..
So, my mother created and printed off September, October, and November calender pages, stapled them together, and pasted them to the remains of the cardboard.

Today, as we are trying to figure out how long until certain events, we realize something..
Oh, yes.
Our mother, a Kindergarten teacher
Put the months together in the WRONG order.

I wouldn't worry about it too much though. It's not like she has to teach it to 45 5&6 year olds or anything...

Sorry to break the news, mom-
But October comes BEFORE November.
:)

Wings

2008-09-05T21:32:00.006-06:00

How sad it would be
If a bird didn't fly
Though given wings,
it just never tried

Because of the fear
of falling from grace
It stayed on the ground,
A cat's prey, making waste

The bird was created
with wings to fly high
Oh, how often we're like
a bird who won't fly

Afraid of our place,
Of falling from grace

Our wings are the trials
God has given to us
That we might fly high
And in Him, place our trust.

Christ is the wind
Beneath our frail wings
That he may carry us
Through even all things

So many dreams buried,
Talents covered by sand
Because of the fear
Of rejection by man

And though sometimes we wonder
Why he puts us through pain
If we spread out our wings
We'll see what we've gained

Love makes a promise
If we give it our all-
If by faith we believe
He will never let us fall.

This fight gives us flight
This fight makes us strong
This fight gives us power
To know where we belong

Wearing a Smile

2008-09-01T16:23:00.004-06:00

She smiles so sweetly
To hide the fear
To hide the pain
That's always near

Her stomach aches
From being sad
She wants to stop
Feeling so bad

She wishes the world
Were a happier place
That way she could put
A smile on her face

Will no one notice
The pain that's inside
Can no one see
How much she's cried?

Wanting to feel free
Wanting to be happy
Tired of pretending that
There is no misery

What will it take
For people to know
It's actually fake-
The smile that she shows

She has the world fooled
Thinking she's pleased
With how her life's going
They can be so naive

But someone will see
..Someday soon..
And notice that there
Is no bright moon

To light up her misery
To fade away pain
Make her really smile
Just one time, again

Lyrics

2008-08-25T16:21:00.005-06:00

My favorite verse of
"Hero" By Superchick.
I love it because it is the blunt truth of our world today.
But be warned- it is definitely blunt.

No one talks to her,
She feels so alone
She's in too much pain
To survive on her own
The hurt she can't handle
Overflows to a knife
She writes on her arm,
Wants to give up her life

Each day she goes on
Is a day that she's brave
Fighting the lie
That giving up is the way
Each moment of courage,
Her own life she saves
When she throws the pills out..
A hero is made.

Heroes are made when you make a choice.

You could be a hero,
Heroes do what’s right,
You could be a hero,
You might save a life,
You could be a hero, (Our time is NOW)
You can join the fight
For what’s right..
For what's right
For what's RIGHT.

[[Superchick]]

If you scroll to the bottom of the blog, the song is on my playlist. I would suggest you listen to it!
"HERO" by SUPERCHICK.
You got it!

Oh, was that today?

2008-08-21T23:47:00.004-06:00

Woah. What am I doing in this crazy life??
Today, I was awakened all too early for my own good, being begged to take Tim and Amelia back to their moms house, only 20 minutes away..
After only about an hour of them yanking me in every which direction, stealing my blankets & pillow, and nagging at me to get up, I got up.
But of course (and all too conveniently) the car was gone. It was at the Elementary school with my mother, of course.
So we hiked ALL THE WAY up there (okay, so it's only two blocks.. but still!) to get the car.
Anyway, We finally got the car and I took them home.
Then MY adventures began!

Their house is right by the SLCC Redwood road campus- exactly where I needed to go.
So what did I do?
I went, of course!
After only about ten minutes of driving around, looking for where I needed to go and attempting to find a place to park, I was finally able to get out of the car.
..But I didn't. I sat there, with my awesome EFY music on, and prayed.
It may sound a bit weird, I know.. But I don't care.
I was scared! 'College? ME? Oh, no. Not yet.'
But yes, it is time already. After a good 20 minutes, I finally got up the guts to go.
And off I went- to the placement Testing Center.
Sounds exhilarating, I know!
And what did I do?
I took the tests. Yes, all four! Two English, two Math.
What a way to stress a kid out (and YES, I still refer to myself as a kid. Deal with it)!! :P

So, here are the results! ..Or some of them at least.. ;)

By the way, the highest score possible is 120.

On the first English test, I got a 112!
On the second.. a 117! W00t.
If you didn't get the picture..
That means I pawnzorx. Yep, that's right.
The testing lady was even surprised at it! So yeah.. I know my English. (Who'd have guessed?!)
Umm... MATH, on the other hand..
I am going to choose not to disclose, for good reason!
I must admit, I am pretty much the worst math...doer..? EVER.
Like, as in- In all of history. Seriously.
Anyway, after that was over, and I had walked around campus for a bit, I headed off. I sign up for classes tomorrow. Or online tonight.. which I did for one class. :)
And yes, it's nutrition. Of course.
I wish they had a music therapy program there! I am too impatient to wait to go to Utah State.

.. But I digress!
I left the campus and went to Chili's and Ihop. Why?
What? Are you crazy? Do you really think it was to satisfy my inner need for MEATY substances and loaded pancakes??
Sorry to break the news, but it's not happenin'.
No, silly.. I went to apply for a job. Yes, I did!
I hear you can make quite the money waiting tables! haha
Anyway.. Right as I was leaving Ihop, my phone rang.
Oh, yea! JUMP TEAM TRYOUTS ARE TODAY!!
I rushed straight to the Elementary school and we began tryouts.
Oh, goodness.. I forgot how frustrating it can be at the beginning of the year..
If you don't work with students, let me explain:
You work with them all year, and they just keep improving! By the end of the year, They are totally PROs at it. And they are WELL BEHAVED at the end!
..well, as well behaved as third to sixth graders will ever be!
They have the routines memorized, and they can go every trick you could think of!
I even had two girls jumping rope on pogo sticks in a routine!
So.. that's what you expect at the beginning of the next year.
NEWSFLASH!
It doesn't work like that! While some of the kids are the same as previous years, all of my sixth graders are now.. oh, yes.. SEVENTH graders. They have moved on to Jr. High! And now I must find new recruits to fill up the team spots.
I will have 20 on my team this year. The more the merrier?
Ha. I think not!
How can I possibly give individual attention to 20 kids at a time, by myself?
Every year there seem to be more! This will be the fourth year? I think. :P

The first year, there was one little team, maybe eight to ten kids in all. The next year, we broke it into two teams (a top team and a lower team).. Though, of course, we did not let them know those were the categories. "It's totally random!"
There were about eight on each team. I had the lower team. If you don't know, te lower team is more work, for obvious reasons. ...b the end of the year though, my team had exceeded that of the top team! (Go Jiminey Crickets!)

The next year, I was assigned to the top team. How many kids were on it?
15, count 'em. They were all so amazing! And we could work so much faster, since they mostly already knew the tricks, and they were able to choreograph some of the routines with me! Lovely :) And less work for me, woot!

So this year is twenty. I have the top team again, but I'm thinking I want the lower team now.. Why? Well, there are still twenty in it, that's for sure! (yes, forty in all.) I feel bad for the kids who don't make it every year, but there just isn't enough room!
..But again, I digress!
I think I may want the lower team because I feel like I am helping them to learn and grow, I am teaching them, and I can see the spark in their eyes when they get something! It is SO amazing!
As much as I love my top team kids.. They aren't as much fun. They are more fun to watch perform, yes! But they are always like "I already know how to do everything. I'm bored. You should bring us candy since we're amazing and you love us so much. Let's not practice today, we already know it. Can we go home or play a game??"
I DO love them very much! And yes, I'm a sucker, and I take them candy all the time!
And during performances, I feel overly proud of them, and I love the reaction of the people watching! It is truly amazing!
However, nothing really compares to the feeling you get when you can help a child to learn and grow. I can see them do things that they thought they would never be able to do! Doing the lower team, I would often hear an "I can't do it, Mary Lynn!"
..Sometimes, followed by red teary eyes. I would be able to console and help them overcome their fears of not being good enough. After all, I know what it's like!

THAT is what I love most. Showing them that they CAN! If only you could see the look in their eyes when they finally are able to do what they thought they would never do. It is the most amazing thing in the world to see a childs face light up like that!
It may sound a bit stuck-up.. But I feel like I am helping change the world. After all,
Children are the future of our world.

No secrets here!

2008-08-21T02:22:00.004-06:00

Well, I guess things don't stay secrets for long with Faith Anne!
Today she made a comment to someone, who I will not name.
"---, Why am I getting so fat? I don't like it."
..
...Well THAT was straight forward! At least she is honest.
I heard ------ explain to her that when little girls are growing up, sometimes that happens, and it's okay.
"That sounds like a good answer!" I thought
Oh, but there is more.
Faith: "Well how come my friends aren't fat and I am? I want to be skinny."
----: "Well, if you want to look better, you have to watch what you eat! You should cut back on sugars and fats, that will help. And there is something on the back of packages of everything that tells you how fat it will make you. It's called "Calories". The higher the number of calories, the more fat it can make you, especially if you aren't exercising enough. So if you watch those and count them up every day, you can know if you are eating so much you are going to get fat, or so little you are going to get skinny."
OH.
MY.
GOODNESS.

NOT cool to tell a nine year old! She shouldn't be worrying about that!
Does -- really want ANOTHER child in their life with an Eating Disorder?
I would think one wold be enough.. But hey, what do I know?
Anyway,
Of course, I took her aside myself and talked to her.
"Eat when you are hungry, and stop when your tummy says you are full. Don't eat when you are just bored. Listen to your tummy, it knows what it needs! Trust it. If your stomach tells you that you are still hungry after you eat something, it's okay to eat a little bit more!"

"Remember in october when I left and was gone for a few months? You had to visit me in the hospital, and I had a tube in my nose and down my throat?
Well, do you know WHY I was sick, and I had to have that icky tube? It's because I wasn't listening to what my body was telling me to eat. I was ignoring it! I know, how SILLY of me! You don't want to have to do that, do ya? If you trust your body, you won't have to!"

I then went on to explain that being 'skinny' doesn't mean you are healthy. This was (surprisingly to me) a very hard concept for her to grasp! I explained it to the best of my abilities, but she still seemed a bit dissatisfied with the answer. She wanted someone to give her something more to do to not get fat.
I proceeded to show her the "Nutrition by Natalie" Vlogs on youtube, as I myself have found them to be extremely helpful.

I wish she would jut be happy with who she is.

The Insecurities of a Nine Year Old

2008-08-19T04:02:00.008-06:00

A nine year old girl should never have to feel insecure about herself-
And yet we see it more and more each day. It just isn't fair! A nine year old should be worrying about cooties, figuring out what their favorite color is, getting every Hannah Montana poster known to man, and showing off their scraped up knees, not their self-image!
I say this because I notice my beautiful, innocent 'baby' sister is making comments that I feel a little girl should never make, though it is widely accepted in our society today.
Upon seeing a picture of herself, Faith Anne promptly comments "Ew! Delete it. I look fat!"
Later that day, I take a few pictures of the two of us, as we often do when we are hanging out together.
I take a picture or two, and then notice Faith Anne..
She puts her hands over her tummy and pushes is in with her arms- with a worried, almost scared, look on her face.
My first thought was that she had a stomach ache- But I caught her eye, and that uncomfortable look of distress.. I know it all too well. She did not have a stomach ache. She was squirming, uncomfortable in her own skin.. Examining, poking and pinching, at her own body- and not liking it.

"Just take them of only our faces, okay?" She said, smiling, but with the most concerned look in her eyes I think I've ever seen.
I just about lost it.. but didn't let it show.
"But you're so beautiful, and you look so cute!"
She gave me her "Cut the crap, I'm not an idiot" look, which she gives when she knows we are trying to trick her into believing something she knows can't possibly be true.
"I'm serious! You look gorgeous!"
"No. i don't want to be in the pictures, then."
Needless to say, the rest of the pictures were taken almost exclusively of our faces.
How can a nine year old be so concerned about the way she looks that she doesn't even want to be seen in a picture? What has the world come to when a little girl can't stand the look of herself? It is so sad. I am at a loss of what to do. I want to tell her that it doesn't matter what he world thinks, and to love herself for who she is on the inside.
But how can I possibly do this, when I can't even believe or do it myself?
You learn by others' actions, not by others' words.

The facts:
37% of females age 11, 42% of females age 13 and 48% of females age 15 say they need to lose weight.
Health and Welfare Canada. The health of Canada's youth, views and behaviours of 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds from 11 countries. (1992). Anonymous. Ottawa ON: Minister of Supply and Services..

47% of females age 11, 58% of females age 13, and 55% of females age 15 say they would change how they look if they could.
Health and Welfare Canada. The health of Canada's youth, views and behaviours of 11-, 13- and 15-year-olds from 11 countries. (1992). Anonymous. Ottawa ON: Minister of Supply and Services.

Two Canadian schools were surveyed, and 50% of girls with HEALTHY WEIGHTS were dieting because they saw themselves as "overweight".
(CMAJ).

81% of 10-year-olds restrict eating (diet). At least 46% of 9-year-olds restricted eating.
Mellin, Scully and Irwin, Paper presented at American Dietetic Assoc. Annual Meeting. (Berkley study)

52% of girls begin dieting before age 14.
Johnson, et al, Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 1984, 13.

71% of adolescent girls want to be thinner despite only a small proportion being over a healthy weight.
Paxton et al (1991). Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 20, 361-379.

The fear of being fat is so overwhelming that when young girls were given surveys, they stated that they are more afraid of becoming fat than they are of cancer, nuclear war or losing their parents.

These are some SCARY statistics. Now I'm not saying, by any means, that Faith has a problem with eating or anything like that- she seems to be fine with it. Nor am I saying that all little girls are going to have a problem like this!
I just think it's so sad what has been drilled into their minds at such a young age.
Childhood should be about being a child!
Gosh, leave something for those teenage years, will ya?

...Just a thought.

We believe IN Christ, but we often don't believe CHRIST

2008-08-13T03:22:00.005-06:00

"We believe IN Christ, but we often don't believe CHRIST"
My amazing EFY counselor, Amber, told us this one night during devotional.
To clarify, we often find it simple to believe in Christ without doubting.. but when it comes to what Christ says, we doubt it.
It leads me to ponder what I truly believe when it comes to that.. I do not doubt that he lives. I do not doubt that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I do not doubt the teachings of the gospel- I believe it with all of my heart.
Why, then, when my OWN worth is brought up, do I suddenly show doubt in him, in his teachings? Why is it so easy to believe him when he says we are all of infinite worth, but when it becomes personal, that I am of infinite worth, The doubt comes on almost immediately, so easily? I can easily see the great worth and potential in others- why, then, can I not see it in myself? Am I the one exception, he one he doesn't love or care about, the one with no worth? I know I am not the only one who feels this way. We all (or a good amount of us at least) feel this way sometimes- each to different extremes, more or less.
Is this considered faith? Believing when it is easy to believe, and doubting when it's not?

Christ knows us each individually- one by one. He believes in us. Each and every one of us. Is it, then, really so hard to believe in him, in his teachings?

"Look unto me in every thought- Doubt not, fear not."
If we looked unto Christ in all our doings, we would not be so insecure about ourselves. Should we not all be able to see what God sees? God sees us- His beautiful children, His beloved sons and daughters with endless potential. Yet we very seldomly see this in ourselves- Some of us, perhaps never at all.

We are doubting. We are Fearing. Does that make us bad? Does that make God love us less? No. It makes us HUMAN!- Sadly, it's is what we do best. We let our minds persuade our spirits that we are less than we are- we let OTHERS' minds, others' mouths, others' actions, convince us that we are not of worth.
But you know what? We are of INFINITE worth! Not just as a people- individually.
Each one of us, individually, is of infinite worth. YOU are of infinite worth. I, Mary Lynn Bennett, am of infinite worth!
..if only we could convince our imperfect minds of this..

Hide and seek

2008-07-26T11:47:00.006-06:00

I was never good at hide and seek, because I'd always make so much noise my friends would be sure to find me. I don't have anyone to play those games with any more, but now and then I make enough noise to be found, because I'm still looking for myself.

Bits of sunshine, rays of hope

2008-07-23T00:31:00.001-06:00

These are some of my favorites. They give me the hope to keep going, day after day. :) My hope is that they might give you a sense of hope, too. <3

"Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;for I am meek and lowly in heart; and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Matt 11:28-30

"REMEMBER, THE WORTH OF SOULS IS GREAT IN THE SIGHT OF GOD."
D&C 18:10

"Ask and it shall be given you; seek and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you"
Matt 7:7

"Ye are the light of the world! A city that is put on a hill can not be hid. Neither do men light a candle and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto ALL that are in the house.
Let YOUR light so shine before men, that others may see your good works, and glorify your father which is in heaven."
Matt 5:14-16

"And all things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive."
Matt 21:22

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake, for their is the kingdom of heaven. ...
.. Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven."
Matt 5:3-10, 12

"FOR WITH GOD, NOTHING SHALL BE IMPOSSIBLE."
Luke 1:37

Make it stop

2008-07-20T02:20:00.000-06:00

I don't know what to do. Right now I want to cry. I want to throw my hands up in the air and just yell 'I'M DONE. I give up.' I can't do this anymore! I just can't. I'm not strong enough, and Ed is TOO strong. I'm quickly losing my will to fight this, and Ed is hurriedly taking over everything for me. Ed keeps getting stronger, and he's sucking the life right out of me. I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to eat anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm shutting down. I can hardly even think straight. I know I need to FIGHT Ed... But a good 3/5 of me is happy going along with Ed- and the remaining 2/5 is just so tired of fighting, it wants to give up. It's ready to switch sides in an instant.

I can't fight this anymore. I'm just not strong enough. How am I supposed to fight Ed when he is so strong I can't even think for myself? Plus,I'm starting to think- why do I even WANT to fight? I am so scared of gaining weight.. and while I know it's not just about that, That really is like my biggest fear. I'm scared of recovering. Who will I be without Ed? Will I like me as just plain old me? I'm not so sure I want to find out. Ed makes me feel so secure. Ed takes care of my life for me, but leaves me in control. Or, at least leaves me FEELING in control. But which is better- Being technically 'in control' and feeling so out of control you can't imagine.. Or being out of control, but feeling safe and in control?

I don't want Ed to take over.. But I feel like he already has. I don't want to go back to the hospital AGAIN. I want to be okay. I'm so tired of wearing a mask of lies- always pretending that I'm okay, that I'm happy, that I'm a normal person.
You know what? I'M NOT. I'm not normal in any way, shape, or form. I'm not happy. I wish I was, but I'm not. And I am NOT okay. I'm so tired of hiding everything! I can't think straight, I'm dizzy, My stomach is constantly in agonizing pain, I can't concentrate, I don't have any energy left, my throat hurts so bad I can't even explain- I'm purging my freaking guts out and it just keeps going and going and going and I JUST CAN'T STOP. I need a break!

I don't want to go to the doctor. I was supposed to go to get weighed & vitals every two weeks, and to get an EKG and blood work done every month. Last time I saw him, we decided it wasn't necessary for me to come in so often, so we decided to just come in once a month for all four. It's been a month. I am supposed to see him tomorrow (Monday). This is the first time it has been a month instead of two weeks. I'm thinking about just skipping out on it. Stupid doctors. They don't realize that I have small bones, so my weight is actually way too high for me already. My whole family is skinny, I'm the only chubby one. This is ridiculous. My 24 year old sister weighs NINE effing lbs less than I do. EFF. I want to swear I'm so mad. Well, I guess mad wouldn't be the appropriate term.. I am disappointed in myself. I am PISSED at myself. I am so gross!

I want to scream, and if my throat and head didn't hurt so dang bad, I would.
STUPID ED.
I HATE THIS.
I hate ME.
I need help.

The Parade

2008-07-19T12:53:00.000-06:00

Today has been an exhausting day.. and it's only 1:00! I'm POOPED!This morning it was my assignment to wake up everyone. In CASE you didn't notice, it's a weekend. That means more chillun' ('children', kids, siblings, kin.. whatever you call them..) in the house!
That is correct, MORE chillun'. Every other weekend, we have:
Glenn(22?), Scott(21), Me(18), Andrew(18), James(17), Victoria(16), Elisabeth(13..tomorrow!), Nicholas(12), Summer(10), Faith Anne(9), and Forrest(5)
..And, of course, Mom(46) and Gary(old). (Whew!)
I promise you, this is no easy task. NO ONE wants to wake up at 7:00AM in the middle of the summer.
After that, we all had to get ready to go to the American Fork Parade.. or, as the Bakers call it, the "CANDY Parade!".

We all piled in the suburban and were on our way. five minutes and 103 degrees later, we remembered why we hardly use the suburban. Here are the top ten reasons!:
1. The cooler/air conditioning.. well, there isn't one.
2. The seats are torn up, giving children access to yellow fuzzy stuffing for throwing.
3.IT SMELLS.
4.The clock is broken, as well as the radio.
5. It is practically IMPOSSIBLE to drive/steer.
6. Half of the seat belts don't work.
7. One word: GAS.
8.There is no key. (at ALL)
9. Everything is sticky from a soda can explosion a few months ago.
10. We have to use a screwdriver to start the car.

As if thats not enough, there are not quite enough seats.

45 minutes later, we arrived at our destination.. Only to realize we are a full 45 minutes EARLY.
So we sat in the sun on the sidewalk for another hour, until it started (yes, it started late... don't they all?)
The parade was very slow moving, but still enjoyable. There were like four or five bands playing, along with their drill teams, cheerleaders, and "twisters" as they so called themselves.

Victoria was in the best one- American Fork High School Marching Band, that is. They number one in state! :)
She is one of the lovely trumpet players.
Of course (and all too conveniently) the AFHS Marching Band was the last band.. lol
But the chillun sure got a lot of candy at least!

I suppose that's why they call it the CANDY Parade... haha

And they gave me some! mmm.....
We left American Fork with two fewer people than we went with. Phew! Byebye Scott and Forrest- They stayed home with their mom this time. We then asked EVERYONE to please USE THE RESTROOM before we leave, as there will be no stops.
After about five minutes of driving, we realized that we still had their foldable chairs in the back... So we had to head right back again.
Ten minutes later, we are on the road again!
Only THIS time it smells even nicer. We have a billion sweaty children and teenagers in the car, squished together. YUM.
We finally think all is well and good, when we hear Elisabeth yell
"I have to go PPPEEEEEEEE!"

..Lovely.

Scared

2008-07-11T17:39:00.001-06:00

I'm scared to let go
Yet scared to hang on
I'm scared to be here
But scared to to be gone
I'm scared to feel
I'm scared to not
I'm scared to be still
And scared to walk

I'm scared of tomorrow
I'm scared of today
I'm scared of losing yesterday

I'm scared to fail
Yet scared to succeed
I'm scared to starve
But more scared to eat

I'm scared to live
I'm scared to die
I'm scared to fall
And scared to fly

I'm scared to be normal
Yet scared to be unique
I'm scared to fight
But scared to sink
I'm scared to doubt
I'm scared to believe
I'm scared to change
I'm scared to be me.

The Fourth of July

2008-07-05T17:32:00.001-06:00

So,
Yesterday was a VERY eventful and exciting day!
I woke up in the morning and had the house to myself, as the family had all gone on a hike (I was feeling sick the night before, so they didn't want to wake me). It was quite enjoyable.

When they got back, we hung out for a bit, then I retreated to the loft for a bit, leaving my cell phone on the table. When I went back in to the house, I found that my cell phone was no longer on the table.
...or anywhere else, for that matter. I looked for a couple of hours, but to no avail.

After I gave up searching for a while, Leelou (my big sister, who was in town from Cali.) and I decided to attempt to make an album cover for our band, 'Aspen'. ..Oh, yes- We are a band now. Awesome possum, I know. So, we did that for like an hour..or three...
We got Elisabeth (our little sister) to take the photos. She is now our official photographer/videoagrapher

(sp?).
Then we recorded one of our songs, ..okay, our only song.. (for now), 'Blank Paper', ..terribly. Oh, well. We are definitely too lazy to re-record it. :P
We then proceeded to create a myspace music profile. Again, awesome possum, I know. :)

When Faith realized that the three of us were doing something together and she wasn't, She was noticeably upset.
Plus, even if it wasn't noticeable, she informed us of her frustration.
Needless to say, she is our designing consultant. She has good taste, anyway. :)

I proceeded to put some of the pictures we liked on the computer, Facebook, and Myspace, while Leelou got some much needed rest.
When I finished, I continued the search for my cellular device. I even dumped out EVERY trash can and searched through the nasties, as my family is well known to pull pranks on each other.. and often forget they even did it... And trust me, digging through the trash was NO laughing matter.. especially when it came to the bathroom trash! I men, Gag! That was the most DISGUSTING thing I have experienced in YEARS!
..And I STILL did not find my cell phone. Needless to say, I was getting PRETTY pissed.
...And pissed is an understatement.

We tried to wait around for James, Andrew, and Glenn to get back home for the fireworks.. but we are just an impatient family! I went inside and called them as mom and the girls started outside- luckily, they said it was fine to start without them.
We DID start.. but then, so did the fireworks show, just a few blocks north west of our house.
We put our wimpy fireworks on hold, and headed to the roof to watch.
Well, most of us, anyway. I missed most of it, searching for my phone, again (I didn't want the battery to die before I found it, or it'd be twice as hard to find).
After the 'grand finale', we noticed the sky LIT up, glowing a BRIGHT orange.
We then got a call from my brothers.
"We were ALMOST home, when we noticed the sky glowing. Then, out of nowhere, we are suddenly driving by this HUGE fire! We HAD to stop! You guys gotta get over here! It's awesome!"
We were all VERY psyched by this point, and piled in the car.
We drove for a whole of about one minute before we could see the blazing fire. Awesome Possum!! It was AMAZING!! We stood there on Glenn's car and watched for about half an hour, before the fire had burned so far east it was now behind the trees. We walked to the edge of the highway to see it better.. when *BAM!!*
No, our heads didn't explode from excitement!

Car crash! RIGHT in front of us! They weren't paying attention to the road, as they we obviously entranced by the fire.
Not sure if anyone was hurt.. but I know there was a baby in one of the cars :( How scary!

We continued to the edge of the freeway (or highway? IDK.) and watched the fire for another good hour or two, before the cops told us to leave for about the billionth time.. but seemed serious this time.
So, we left. We walked all the way back to the car (which seemed like forever, as I was in heels the entire time), and I drove us all home.
Mom and Faith Anne left early to go to bed, but the rest of us stayed up in the front room talking when we got home. We all fell asleep in there (yes, all six of us) at about 2:30 AM. Leelou slept on top of me on the little love seat. ..Not the most comfortable night's sleep, I must say...
Leelou got up at four, though, as she had a plane to catch.
When I awoke this morning, She was gone, Glenn had left to work, Andrew had been dropped off back at Lorraine's, James was on his computer, Mom was at the store, beth was on her computer, and Faith was watching TV in the den.
Oh.. and I still can't find my cell phone.

What an eventful day.

Recovery Reasons

2008-06-23T18:39:00.001-06:00

Why do I want to recover? I find myself fighting with wanting recovery & not EVERY day- and I want to put an end to it! I DO want recovery!! Why? I made myself a list, so I can look at it whenever I need to- and NOT pertaining to doing it for others. I'm not doing it for others.. I'm doing it for MYSELF.

MY reasons for recovery:

1. So I can love myself
2. So I can be able to play basketball without feeling faint
3. So I can be happy!
4. So I will NEVER have to lie again!
5. So I have more energy!
6. So I can be a better coach for my kids!
7. So I can go out with my friends, party & eat, and feel only JOY from it!
8. So I can love others more fully.
9. So I can play my Cello without getting tired!
10. So I can ACT in theater, and not get dizzy!
11. So the pain really CAN end!
12. So I can LIVE LIFE!!

"Woe is LIFE"

2008-06-19T17:54:00.000-06:00

"Woe is me."
My unwanted, yet so familiar, phrase of the day.
'Woe is me."..
What terrible way to look at life.
Thinking about it, I guess 'Woe is LIFE' would be a more appropriate phrase for me. I don't feel like it 'sucks to be me' (for lack of better termiage), it's more of a 'LIFE sucks.' I suppose everyone has those days, though.

The Mystical Abyss we call "LIFE"

2008-06-15T17:24:00.000-06:00

I am eighteen. An "adult". Finished with High School. Out of Young Womens, to be placed with the ladies of Relief Society. Oh, how I will miss Young Womens. And my leaders! They are so amazing, they have helped me through SO much, I can't even express their phenomenality!

I am planning to start college soon.
I want to be a music therapist. That is my eventual goal; My career of choice.
But.. can I handle it?
Will I actually go through with it? Or will I give up.. will I fail, like I seem to do so well, in every situation I am faced with, every obstacle I come to.. I sometimes wish THAT could be a profession. I am REALLY good at being a failure! I bet you couldn't find anyone better. But, then again, I would probably fail at that, too. Is it possible to be such a failure that you actually fail at being a failure? If it is, I bet you I could do it.
But I digress..
I truly do want to be a music therapist- with every ounce of my heart, I do. More than anything...
But then I wonder.. Am I good enough? Will I EVER be good enough? I suppose not. I always seem to fall just an inch short of even okay.
I will do my best. That's all I CAN do... But I'm still so scared I'm just not enough..

I realize I have been forced into a new phase of life. I am suddenly an adult.. a college student.. a woman of the Relief Society.. an independent individual.
There are so many choices I must make, so many paths I can take.. I am so overwhelmed and confused.. I just don't know..
Where do I go? What should I do? What choices will I make? Which one is the RIGHT? What is OF my life now? Where AM I? Where SHOULD I be? Who will I become? .. More importantly.. WHO AM I??
I just don't know right now...

Strength

2008-06-09T17:20:00.001-06:00

The strength to rise from the pain,
To continue at all cost,
The strength to prolong all the shame,
Knowing that you've lost,
The strength to smile, when all you feel is anger,
To substitute bad days, for the best ones you can remember
The strength to say 'I'm lost’, when pride has blocked your sight,
To say 'please love me', though you've never done it right,
The strength to say you love them, knowing there may be no reply,
To stay by their side at times, when all they do is cry
The strength to try again, after many times of failing,
To finally open up after many years of waiting,
The strength to fall in love, though sacrificing your heart,
To keep a loved one close while knowing you've grown apart,
The strength to say ' I love you' when all else has gone wrong,
To keep on waiting for that something... Regardless of how long.

Nothing but a Dream

2008-06-05T17:15:00.000-06:00

Dancing in the rain
Feeling the cold drops on my face
Washing all the pain and hurt and sadness away
Filling me with a new strength and a new peace
A sense of calm and tranquility among the thunder
Washing away the tears of sadness

Big drops of rain
Falling onto my upturned face
The beauty and strength of the storm
Rush through me
Making me believe
In charity,
In hope..
In myself
Making me believe
That one day
The sun will come out
And this will be
Nothing but a dream.

Dear God..

2008-06-05T17:12:00.001-06:00

Dear God,
Sometimes I wonder if you still hear me, If I'm still important, if my prayers are even heard, because... well... God, I do things that hurt me. I do things that I know are not your will,-and yet, I still do them.
Today I feel lonely, Lord. I feel like hiding. How can I hurt so much and yet feel so numb? God, these tears running down my face are real. I AM REAL. I am NOT just an eating disorder! I am a real person, and I really need you,-and so do so many others out there. Please, remind us, that we are your children, that we are God's delight!!! Please wrap us in a blanket of love and cradle us tight. Please reveal the beauty in each of us, to OURSELVES. Please show us how to love ourselves the way we know others love us. Teach us God- we really do want to learn.
And, in the meantime, please let each girl know, that all the way up in heaven, there's a father who's loving her, even when she can't love herself.

Newspaper Writings

2008-04-10T17:06:00.001-06:00

Hope for Mary Lynn: a cello and a scholarship

CAPTION:
The Granite Education Foundation presented Cyprus High student Mary Lynn Bennett with a cello last week, giving her hope for a career as a music therapist. Left to right: Principal John Welburn, GEF Executive Director Scott Whipple, Mary Lynn Bennett, Cyprus Instrumental Music Director John McCallister.

By Colin B. Douglas
News Editor

"It gives me hope," Mary Lynn Bennett said.

Last Thursday, Scott Whipple, executive director of the Granite Education Foundation, presented Mary Lynn with a cello at the Cyprus High School office.

Mary Lynn, daughter of Sheri and Stephen Bennett, moved to Magna with her mother and five of her siblings about ten years ago. She started on the cello in fifth grade, at Magna Elementary School. Private lessons were beyond her family's means, but with musically inclined father, She picked up music easily. With instruction from her elementary school teachers and later from junior high teacher, she achieved a degree of proficiency that got her a place in the Granite Youth Symphony Orchestra in only the ninth grade.

Meanwhile, she also learned drums, Irish penny whistle, piano, Bassoon, xylophone/bells, Bass, and Violin.

"I enrolled in orchestra at Cyprus as a sophomore, but I have been unable to since then," she said. "I've always rented school instruments, but there haven't always been enough cellos to go around, now."

Mary Lynn is planning on going to school to be a music therapist.

"This gives me hope," she said. "I didn't have the means to afford such an instrument, and it can really help me on my way to becoming a music therapist."

Whipple said that the GEF is also giving Mary Lynn a scholarship to get her started at SLCC.

Whipple explained that the GEF gives scholarships to give a chance to worthy students, recommended by school officials, who otherwise would not have such an opportunity.

"The GEF consists of 33 board member who focus on helping kids and teachers in the classroom," Whipple said.

The GEF is funded by private donations and fund raising activities, including auctions.

Memories of Childhood..

2008-03-30T17:00:00.001-06:00

I can feel the rain
Gently sprinkling on my face
The rain is calm and peaceful
I take a deep breath
..And inhale memories of childhood
..Playing in the rain
Splashing in every puddle
..The faint scent of wet rocks..
I would hold them in my hands
And savor that blessed smell

I wiggle my nose, in an attempt to keep ii warm
Brrr... I love the cold

I start to slowly twirl
My arms, reaching out
I tilt back my head
And stick out my tongue
I want to catch the rain
..Feel that familiar coolness on my tongue

I laugh, as I fall back, into the grass
I stare up at the sky..
I see a dragon
Floating on his way...
A dog.. Barking from the heavens

I can see one big cloud,
Brighter than all the rest
Lit up, by the hiding sun
I look at it for a moment, and think..
"I imagine that is heaven.."
I wonder what it's like..
Maybe that was Jesus' dog, barking...
I hope he's a nice dog..

I suddenly realize I'm laying...
...In a puddle of mud.
This makes me smile.
I feel all "Gooey".. and happy.
The thick mud slowly slips through my fingers,
As I begin to coat my feet with it..
They look like Indian feet, now..

I reach for more mud..
And smear thick stripes on my face
I find a dandelion
and place it behind my ear.
I am an Indian princess..
..My long hair, flowing in the wind..
I feel like the most beautiful girl
In the world.
I don't care what anyone else says..
I will be who I WISH to be..
...And as I sit and think..
I realize that I wish..
To be none other than
ME.

He believes

2008-02-12T17:55:00.001-07:00

I shiver, as I pull blankets up to my nose.
It's been the same every night for years
I have "goosebumps" from head to toe
..Yet I am not in the cold
..I am in..
fear.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was ~~WRONG.~~

It drives me to think things I normally wouldn't,
It wants me to do things I know that I shouldn't...
It changes who I am,
Alters personality
It drives me to hate the one person
who can truly stop this thinking..
ME.

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was ~~WRONG.~~

I now live in fear, every day and each night
I feel I'm going to lose this fight..
If it's a battle of willpower,
COUNT ME OUT.
I'm losing it now
I just want to SHOUT!

I thought I could do it
I thought I was strong
I thought I could make it...
I guess I was ~~WRONG.~~

In the depths of despair
I remember a song..
"Walk tall, You're a daughter.."
.. I know where I belong.

He believes I can do this
He believes I am strong
He believes I can make it...
..But can God be ~~WRONG?~~

Whether win or lose,
I'll still try my best
I'll give it my all;
& let God do the rest.

I think I can do this
I think I am strong
I think I can make it...
But I could be ~~WRONG.~~

Each day, Every second
is a gift from above
If I reach up my hand,
I can grasp his love.

I think I can do this
I think that I'm strong
I THINK I can make it...
..But I could be ~~WRONG.~~

Together we fight
Until only WE stand
I know I CAN recover
If I just reach up my hand.

I believe I can do this
I BELIEVE I am strong
I believe I can make it...
...I could always be ~~WRONG~~...

He tells me I can do this
Gently lifts up my head
And now I remember
The blood that he shed.

I know I can do this.
I know I am strong.
I know I can make it
..because God's NEVER ~~WRONG.~~

Going Home

2008-01-22T18:00:00.001-07:00

Somewhere ....in my time and space
I find that I recall a place,
That comes to me,...by night or day
From a place so far away,
You can embrace this destiny
Which will find you,..as it found me
There is such a comforting force,
When taken through this special course,
To find that you have reached the place
Where you can meet.... face to face,
By returning to.. from where you came
Remembering this face... and name,
To find this peace,.....this road well trod
You know that you're,...a child of God
This place from which you will not roam,
You'll find,.. as you are.. going home.

Fighting

2007-11-07T18:01:00.001-07:00

I'm fighting
Fighting myself
Fighting this demon, inside of me
I need to get rid of him
He's making me weak
This monster is all I can see

I'm getting so sick
..He's killing me
This sadness engulfs me..
Come set me FREE!

I never wanted it to go this far
And now I am stuck
Behind these inner bars

I'm trapped in these walls
Of Iron, of Steel
I want to get out
I just want to FEEL!

I'm fighting for freedom
Each and every day
This monster inside me
Will NEVER get his way

I'm fighting for freedom
I'm fighting for Strife
I'm lighting for love
..I'm fighting for LIFE.

"Life makes you Bolder, Children get older.. I'm getting older, too.."

2007-09-13T18:07:00.001-06:00

SO
Today is my friend, Jessica,'s birthday.
She is eighteen!
And she is the first of my close friends to turn eighteen. (The rest of us all have our birthdays within the next 2-3 months, now- all in a row) (lol)
Anyway.. It kind of makes me stop and think
Time really flies by so quickly
I mean.. It's my senor year in HS. As soon as this year is over, I'm done. Like, FINISHED. Thrown into the world.
That is SO scary
And I'm going to be eighteen in two months. Can you believe that? EIGHTEEN.
Like, as in, an adult. OFFICIALLY. Like, as in, no longer a young woman. I mean, I can still attend YW's, 'till the end of the school year- but I'm not going to actually BE a YW. THAT is SCARY.
Also, no Medical insurance, once I turn 18. My insurance is for children, only. THAT is NOT going to be good!
Gosh, I just feel like I'm growing up too fast! It is FREAKING me OUT!
And once I graduate, all my friends.. what will happen to them? What will happen to US? How do I know I'll ever see them again? How can I be sure we'll remember to keep in touch?
And all the guys will be leaving on missions. What then? No guys, for two years?
And what about college? I have no money, for that! I'm not especially good at anything, or at least, not good enough for scholarship.. so what in the world am I supposed to do?
And I have to move out. What? Move out? WHERE to? NO clue! How frightening!
And how am I supposed to pay for any medical bills? I can't!
We only have so long to live, and it's slipping away, like sand through our fingers..
I feel like I just want to go back to being a little kid, again. No worries.. Not a care, in the world.
WHEN did I grow up? When did I cross the line from being a child?
WHEN did THIS happen? I never agreed to ANY of it!
Give me my childhood back! I'm not ready to grow up, yet.
I feel like I'm a child from Peter Pan "I'll NEVER grow up!"
And yet, I must.

... but why does it have to be so soon?

What ever happened to my two- weeks notice?

My View on Pity

2007-08-29T18:04:00.000-06:00

Alright, so today, in my daily conversations, someone mentioned how they feel so sorry for someone else, and it just made me think...
We ALL have our trials and obstacles, whether obvious or not, physical, mental, spiritual, or even financial- it's still the same. I think that we, as people, should not take pity on another OR ourselves. If there is a situation you can help, then help! If there is a situation you can fix, fix it! If there is nothing you can do but show your love, then, by all means, show love!! But that is still no reason for pity. Pity just makes people feel bad, and look at the negatives. Oh, so sad for this person, so sad for that animal, so sad for perhaps even yourself.
But where does that get us, as a community?
Where does that get us, as people?
HOW can that help ANYONE?
Helping is great, giving is great, loving is great-
But PITY is not. :)

...Just a thought...
-Mary Lynn

Dad

2007-08-24T18:09:00.004-06:00

When I was only eight years old,
My daddy went away.
He swore he'd always love me,
But said he couldn't stay.

Days turned into weeks
And weeks turned into years.
I hardly saw my father,
He never saw my tears.

He never read me bedtime stories
Or tucked me in at night.
He didn't showed up for my birthdays,
Though I always hoped he might.

He missed my first day of school
And all of my school plays.
He doesn't know how much I miss him,
Each and every day.

It's almost time for college now,
The years go by so fast.
I'm looking forward to my future,
But trapped within my past.

I guess I'll never understand
Why it has to be so sad
My parents didn't get along
But why did I lose my dad?

Sunshine

2007-08-18T18:12:00.001-06:00

The world gives me reasons
To shout, scream and cry
But the Sunshine always
Make my worries go by

The Sunshine is like an angel
It touches my very Soul
It gives me a reason to smile
Makes me complete and whole

The Sunshine is like a sound
It synchronizes the music in me
I get great cause to celebrate
As it sets my spirit free

No matter whether day or night
The Sunshine's always there
Making the cruel world all around
Look so pretty and fair

My Sunshine is soft and gentle
It's snug and soothing, too
It takes my sorrows off of me
My Sunshine, Lord, is you!

DREAM BIG

One last goodbye

Emily Elizabeth Roe

First (& hopefully last) experience in a bar..

Taking Responsibility

Journal

Eruptions

DI Deals & Creativity!

Life as of Lately

Did you know...

Missing my little 'Cougars' and 'Cheetahs'...

Jackson Jump?

Long-Time No-Blog! ;)

Lure them out, perhaps?

Vyvanse

Crossroads No More

Doing the Work.

Elisabeth!

I don't even know.

Just Journaling.

Feelings are confusing

Recovery

Gang McDonald

Three Years in the Making (& some good news!!)

Uncomfortable, to say the least

Good times, good times...

Tonight I've been playing scrabble with James. Playing Scrabble with the two of us always gets pretty interesting...James: "Is 'zooerotica' a word? As in erotica, with animals? I'm going to Google it."

James (three minutes later): "Well, it's not a word, but there are PLENTY of websites for it..." :/ Later-James: "What about 'queerotica'- is that a word? ... As in 'queer' and 'erotica'?" MaryLynn: "...Go Google it."

New LIFE-SAVING methods!!!

'Let's eat Grandma!!'

or

'Let's eat, Grandma!'

...

Punctuation saves lives.

......................

One week at a time..

Seriously?

......................

Jacksonian!

Sara

ASL :)

Letter of Hope

Center For Change!

The adventures of a girl in treatment

The Center for Change!!!!! AH!!! :D

Center For Change

Happy & Proud!

You'd BETTER.. ;)

Don't ask.. ;)

Love!

Thank the heavens for health insurance...

Life: Roller Coaster Style.

"Going to" being the operative word..

My girls.

At least it was eventful?

Art Class

Shinanigans. & Other stuff too. :)

I met the President!!!

The Funniest People I've Ever Met. (Part 2)

The Funniest People I've Ever Met. (Part 1)

Happiness

Glasses

Oopsie-Daisy.

Frustrations

It's going to be alright after all.

The Glory of Life

Dear God,

What have you done in your life?

Today

Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin

I think our family is growing up!

Stitched- Faith Anne style!

Happy Thanksgivingities.. and all of that.. :)

The Happy Ramblings of an Almost-19-Year-Old. :P

Proposition 8..

My BLOG is LOVED! (is YOURS?)

Third Grade

His Love

Setting things straight..

Sleepless..

Tonight I've been playing scrabble with James. Playing Scrabble with the two of us always gets pretty interesting...

James: "Is 'zooerotica' a word? As in erotica, with animals? I'm going to Google it."

James (three minutes later): "Well, it's not a word, but there are PLENTY of websites for it..." :/

Later-

James: "What about 'queerotica'- is that a word? ... As in 'queer' and 'erotica'?"

MaryLynn: "...Go Google it."